I have had a lot of people ask me about how I feel and how does it feel to adopt and how does it feel to adopt verses to have a bio child. I am sure that everyone's experiences are different, but I will tell you mine.
When I was pregnant with my sons, I knew a child was on the way. I had 9 months to prepare myself, but it was always a surprise when I saw their faces for the first time. There was a sense of anticipation with each one and a voice inside each time that said, "Well, there you are are and this is what you look like." I loved them because they were mine. They grew in my body and they were my babies. I cared for them instinctively and I grew to love them more and more each day as I gazed into their eyes and cared for them and watched them grow.
I wondered how I would feel when they put Sophia in my arms. I wondered if it would feel the same. I view her as the child of my soul. My daughter in every way, except God chose for her to be born in China.
It was very emotional for me when I saw the nanny carrying her down the sidewalk towards us in the guard shack. I had to hold back my tears because I didn't want to scare her anymore than she would be already. I kept thinking of Eli and how terrified he would be if I gave him to a Chinese family and left. I kept thinking of my little boy and what this would do to him if the tables were turned. I knew that day would impact her forever and the weight of what was about to happen weighed heavy on me.
It was truly gutwrenching when they placed Sophia in my arms. She is a smart girl and she had a pretty good idea of what was happening. She screamed to go back and tried everything to get away from me. It completely broke my heart.
There was also this underlying sadness. Here was this beautiful little girl with no one in the world. How could no one come forward for her? No Aunts or Uncles, no Grandparents. This little child all alone. It is a life changing experience to hold an orphan in your arms and look them in the face. To see a child truly alone. I claimed her then and there. With my heart and my soul I claimed her and I took her as my daughter and the voice inside of me said "Well, there you are and this is what you look like." And I knew that she was mine and that she would never be alone again.
I loved her then because I made the decision to love her and I am falling in love more and more each day as I gaze into her eyes and care for her.
I have been asked if I wonder sometimes if I did the right thing. I really don't. With each of my children, there was always a time (usually gazing at them through the plastic tub in my hospital room) when I felt a little overwhelmed and thought..wow, here we go, it's you and me kid.
I know Sophia is meant to be here with us and more than anything I wonder about how to be the best mother I can to her. I wonder about the right things to do. I wonder about what I need to do differently with her to meet the special needs she is going to have. Right now I want to do everything right so that she knows she is loved and she is not alone and she will never be left again.
My daughter has scars, scars on her body from 2nd degree burns and open heart surgery, scars on her heart from being abandoned over and over. I know that some people wonder why we chose her. But she is my girl and I could not love her more. I claim every hair on her head and every tear and every scar. I will live my life trying to heal them and not add more. She is a child filled with joy and laughter and smiles. Somehow she has found the strength to find the happiness of childhood despite her circumstances so I need to at least be as strong as she is and be the mother she needs me to be. And that is how I'm feeling right now.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Posted by redmaryjanes at 7/13/2009 09:34:00 PM