Thursday, January 14, 2010

More than I Love You

More than I Love You

Sophia has been our child for seven months now. She has adjusted wonderfully to our family. She enjoys playing with other children and attending preschool. She knows the family routines and is comfortable in our home. She sleeps soundly on her own in her big girl bed. She freely shows love to each of her family members. From all appearances, it truly is difficult to tell that she has not been with us since birth. From all appearances, she and Eli are equally adjusted in our family unit. Sometimes when I see them together, I don’t remember that it has only been seven months. Sometimes it is easy to believe that it has always been this way.

But there is something in the way that she says, “I Love You”. Sophia tells me that she loves me at least 30 times a day. That is not an exaggeration. And there is something in her words that I cannot directly explain, but I hear it. Her words say, “I love you Mama”, but I also hear the fearful words behind it, “the please keep me, I don’t want to go back”.
I believe that the constant, “I Love You Mama”, is her need to let me know that she wants to stay here with us. That she is still afraid of being taken away. She needs me to know that she wants to be here and more importantly, she needs me to affirm that I want her to be here with us too and that I am her Mama.

I know that this is normal. I know that this is something we will have to go through most likely for years until she knows on a subconscious level that she will be with us forever, but it breaks my heart. Every day I tell her over and over that I love her. I tell her over and over that she is my only girl. I tell her over and over that she is the most wonderful little girl in the world. I tell her over and over how much Mama and Baba love her and that we will be her Mama and Baba when she is 5,6,7,8 and all grown up and a Mama herself and even when she is a Grandma. I hope that she can hear the hidden words behind mine, “I love you so much that I cannot imagine a day without you, I could never imagine a daughter more wonderful and I would give my life to keep you safe”.

Eli tells me he loves me about 4 times a day. There is no need in his voice. The words come easy to him. I long for the day when it is the same for Sophia. I long for the day when she doesn’t need that constant affirmation because she knows in her soul that she is mine and I am hers.