Motherless On Mother's Day...

This year is the first year that I have no one to buy a card for on Mother's Day. The first year that I stand alone as the oldest woman and female leader of my family. With the death of my Grandmother came the death of my support group as a woman. The core that was my family source of strength. My Mother is gone, my Grandmother is gone. And there is no one else now. It's just me.
It really hit me about three weeks ago. I found a lump (not the good kind). For four days I was terrified because the not good type of lumps run in my family. I thought I may not live to see my children grow, I feared it would be the end of my adoption and how could this happen to me now when I had Sophia's referral and my children still needed me. It was an awful four days and I had no one to call. Even when I found out everything was ok, I had no one to call.
I miss my Mom. Despite her shortcomings. I wish she was here to love me. I wish she was here to love my children.
And I miss my Grandmother who held everything together and brought out the best in everyone. When she left, the good went with her and all that was left were dishes that I wasn't allowed to have. Eli is still crying for you Grandma and wondering where you are and asked today if we saw Jesus come to take you to heaven. I have so much to do. And I know I can do it, I just wish you were here to talk to.

I have known much loss in my life, but I have been blessed as a mother. Blessed with three sons who I live for. Three angels who I was chosen to mother, and I am so grateful. Tonight I saw my oldest son in a tux taking his favorite girl to prom. I cannot tell you how beautiful he is to me. Tyler is at the store buying the food he is going to make for me for a special breakfast on Mother's Day. On the way home tonight Eli told me that he loves me and he wants to marry me and be a ninja with me. My heart is so full, I just can't even find words. And now I have been chosen again, one last tiny miracle for me....my daughter who I have waited for truly all my life. I do not deserve such blessings...Lord, help me be the mother I need to be so that they can reach the potential you have for them.

What Should I Talk to my Pediatrician About?

This is one of my angel's referral photos. She looks so sad. There is not a smile in any photo I have of her. Hold on my babygirl, Momma's coming.

I meet on Wednesday with Dr. Mike. I adore Dr. Mike. He is an amazing pediatrician who speaks at our adoption agency's medical presentations. He has a son from Korea. He is Sophia's pediatrician.

I want to know what to ask him. What medications should I ask him for? I know that Sophia has had open heart surgery to repair a hole in her heart. But I have no medical information about her surgery. I want to be prepared. I don't want to forget anything. I want an antibiotic that doesn't require refrigeration, something for parasites, something for ear infections. What about the scar down her chest? What do I do for it?

Please share with me what you took when you went to China to meet your child.

Getting My Craft On...

First I will begin this post by telling you all that yes I am aware that my trip to China is being delayed at least a month because of the pig flu. I am coping with that the best way I can.
When I look back at my life, I can see how God's timeline has fit everything together perfectly. I know it was no accident that I did not receive Sophia's referral until after my Grandmother died. I needed to be with her. She was there with me on the day that I entered this earth and I was there with her on the day that she left it. As it should be.
I have seen so many things happen along this journey that were perfectly orchestrated. I truly believe in my heart that this delay has a purpose for us and that one day I will be able to look back and see it. Until then, I truly have peace in my heart and I sit here and think of my girl...constantly.

So....now we're moving to the crafty part. Last October, Meredity Teagarden 'The Things We Carried' did a post about how to make hairbows. I had thought it would be cool to be able to make hairbows, so I pulled up her post over the weekend and went out and bought my first glue gun and some Fray and ribbon. I followed her post word for word tonight and check out my bows!!! Woo Hoo...how's that for crafty???? We'll see how many I make before I travel to China...probably a hundred :)

It's Monday

Have a great Monday everyone!

We are all having a hard time getting out of bed today. Yesterday was our 6th Wedding Anniversary, so we went out for a wonderful dinner which makes me tired. Eli stayed up late with our friend who came to watch him while we went out.

Tim worked with the men in our neighborhood yesterday to get the remainder of the docks and shore stations put in. So, he's pretty drained.

Eli's preschool is riding a school bus today to the elementary school to show the older graduating preschoolers where they will be going for kindergarten next year. He's very excited about that even though he won't be in kindergarten this year, he is too young and will be a preschooler again next year.

Hopefully we'll all have a great day and be able to keep our eyes open :)