Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Hmmm...my 15 year old son wants to bring a girl over...when no one is home.

ADVICE PLEASE:

My oldest son Zachary has never really showed any interest in girls until now. All of a sudden out of nowhere a certain young lady has been ringing his cell phone off the hook. He says that she is not a girlfriend but just a friend. I say to you then why are they on the phone for hours? I have to take his cell phone now at 10:00pm because we found calls going on for hours in the wee hours of the morning between these two. And now he called yesterday and asked if she could come over to the house for a day next week since they are off school. Well, I really try to be the cool understanding Mom, so I said yes without giving it much thought. Well, no one will be home next week. So I am asking you, how appropriate is it for him to have a 15 year old 'just friend girl' over while no one is home?

I am kind of old school. I couldn't date until I was 16. I couldn't talk on the phone to anyone after 9pm. I don't want to be a prude though. Zach was always kind of a loner until this year when his social life has really taken off. I don't want to stifle that, but I do want to have some reasonable ground rules for teenagers in the home.

What do you think about my situation and what kind of ground rules do you think are acceptable for teenagers?

MY DECISION: Thank you everyone so much for your wonderful advice. After a lot of thought, I spoke with Zachary and let him know that girl friends are welcome in our home as long as an adult is present. I feel really good about that decision.

39 comments:

Nancy said...

Hard one...you want to trust them, but just not sure if you can.
I would talk with him, see what they plan on doing during the time and let him know what would not be appropriate without giving him any ideas he may not have had.

You could also set up a spy camera;)

Jill W said...

That is a tough one. How about having her come over for dinner when the rest of the family is home. Or leave one of the younger kids home with him. Nothing like a younger sibling to cramp your style :) Good Luck!

Sherri & John said...

I think if you have a good relationship with your son and are able to talk to him about your concerns, you should. If he knows that you expect him to be responsible and that is how he's been raised, you have a better chance of him acting responsibly, but he has to know you trust him or it will all go downhill.
If they are looking for a place to "be alone" they will find it, regardless of what you or her parents do.

Good luck!

Noemi said...

I just sent you and email...

Stacy said...

That is tough. Have you met the girl? If you have I would wait until you have before 'alone' time in the house. Some of the girls at my school can be quite a handful. If you can read between the lines. :)

Good Luck!

Pugalicious said...

just my two cents.....
(seems I don't agree with the others)
no one of the opposite sex over when parents aren't home.
not a good idea.
MOST LIKELY nothing will happen, but even the kids raised the best, with the most loving and involved and understanding of parents...well...things sometimes happen.
If you think i am out of line delete my comment, but you asked for opinions and this is mine.
I have a 12 year old daughter and i would never let her hang out at a friends house without parent supervision.

Gail and Dan said...

My oldest (a son) is now 22yrs. old. He is a great guy and I always trusted him, but RMJ I would say no. I just don't think it's appropriate. Just my opinion.

Cindi said...

I started to leave a comment, but it was so long that I converted it to email instead. :D

Amy said...

I agree, no dates until 16 and no friends in the house with out others being there. Mine is only 14 so we really are not there yet. We do talk about the ground rules now. I don't want her to think I'm making things up just to stop her from having fun! You don't want to allow him to cross any lines that will damage his future. His hormones may not like your strictness but it's for his own good. Kids tell themselves all sorts of lies. You do not talk to just a friend all hours of the night.

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

Okay... are you ready for me... I am OLD SCHOOL all the way...
I have a 17,14,13 soon to be 18,15,14 in the next couple months..
Nick the oldest who will be 18 in Feb. but also remember I held him back a year so he is a junior.. We have let him go to the movies for a year now with other people.. girls and boys..
But my children are not aloud to go to friends house to spend the night if I don't personally know them.. this is the first year that Nick has had a true girlfriend.. he has went to homecomings (lots, he even went with girls from other schools) he is a real social bug.. we allow girls and boys over at our house as long as there is an adult.. same goes for if they go somewhere else.. has to be an adult there..
It is not a bad thing ... these kids know not even to ask because they know the answer is no if they ask about kids over while we are gone..
You do what you feel is right..you will make the right decision..
GOOD LUCK!!!!
I didn't want to say no.. but I look at the big picture...
Hugs to you girly..
I am not looking forward to my little girl.. for one she has a big brother that says she is not dating until she is 18... LOL

Somewhere In The Sun said...

He's 15. He's a boy. NO! LOL! I have a 17 year old. No girlfriends allowed if we aren't here. And when we are, the basement door has to stay open, lights have to stay on and I go down there occasionally. Again...He's 15....He's a boy....

~Lynn

Kayce said...

That's tough!

My 2 cents, see if she can come over after you and hubs are home from work. I thinks it's important that he respects you and your home, and you and dh respect the girl as well as him. I'm sure nothing would happen, but respect for each person and the home he lives in are important.

Ms. Dragonfly said...

NOPE. Don't do it.
Clearly she is a girlfriend, even though he doesn't call her one. Someone should be home. I know, I used to be 15 and I took every advantage. Have someone home.
By defenition teenagers are not able to make good choices all the time.
Just my 2 cents.
Good luck.
PS my parents used to 'trust' us. I wish they had not.

Lisa said...

Ahh, the girlfriend. Having a 17 year old boy myself. I would say no girls unless I was home. I am open, honest and trusting with my kids. But he is a teenage boy. Stuff happens, even the sweetest, most trusting of them (hormones;). I would say no and I have. Not unless I am home or Daddy is home.

Juliette said...

Try to find a way that one of you can be there, they are definitely too young to stay in your home alone.
You can be a cool Mom and let him see girls and have friends coming over but they still are kids in a way.
Aren't the parents of the girl asking you to be there? Or do they even not care?

Rachael said...

I wouldn't allow it. Frankly, I'd be surprised if the girl's mom did too.

I would also not make it a trust issue, just a rule. (I think I've shared with you before what I do for a living...OB/GYN...let me tell, lots of girls are doing ALL kinds of things their parents don't know about.) Why give them the temptation?

Alternately, how about having her over when you are home, or dropping them off to go skating or to a movie together?

Buckeyes & Eggrolls said...

I have raised 5 already and I agree with pugalicious and a few other.. NO ONE of the other sex at home when a parent is not home. I also agree with, basement door open, lights on, and going down to check on occasion. And in our house, no one of the other sex was EVER allowed in the bedroom. Now, all this being said, we still had one who defied the rules, had a girl into our home while we were out of town (he was supposed to be at his mothers for the weekend) and ended up in a teenage pregnancy situation. We LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our grand-daughter but the situation was NOT good.

ps.. my now 19 yr old daughter never had "boyfriends" either until a few months of "just talking". That's actually a stage of the dating relationship these days I'm told. the "just talking" stage.;-)

OK.. enough of my two cents too.

Mob said...

This is so weird that I am reading this post because I just got done watching the Today show and they were talking about teenage sex. They said that most teenagers have sex between 3-6 p.m at one of their own homes when the parents are not home. I know this is what happened to me when I was 16 (and I really regret it). For the record, I agree with Pugalicious's comment.

Janet said...

I don't think I would let them....maybe if she came over a few times and met the family first.....a few times....I'm old school too.

Special K said...

I'm not a parent yet...but I was a teenager once. And I say NO WAY!
I remember the things I used to do at that age. And with an open invitation of having the privacy of an empty house... "things" could definitely happen.

Cyndi said...

I am sure you have raised a nice young man but I am old school and I wouldnt have her over without someone being home. Just to be on the safe side and you don't know what she has told her parents either. Tough one glad we aren't there yet.

Christy said...

I was one of those 16 year old girls comming over to my boyfriends house (my hubby now) and I would not want my kids to have the freedom that I had. I think my parents trusted me to a fault and they should NOT have trusted me like they did becuase Kevin and I were not acting in a manner that they would have approved (if you get my drift). Looking back, I would have been pissed if Kev and I could not have been alone but we could have been alone (outside-taking a walk etc) while our parents were home.

With that said, I would not let them be alone without a parent there (or an adult). I know he will hate that decision but I think it is the best. Have her come over for dinner and meet the family. They can hang out in his room with the door open and they can take walks etc but alone with no parent-- I WOULDNT!!! You see that is easy to say now while my boys are 7 and 9 but I know I am going to have to face that when they get older and I am not looking forward to it--ugg!!!

Good luck and let us know how it turns out!!

Christy :)

mommy24treasures said...

I think someone needs to be home too... I have a 15 yr old and he hasn't shown much interest either, but the girls of today yikes! Sometimes people are always acting like boys are the wild ones but I have seen so many girls call call call and be so touchy feely clingy... I trust my son but I don't know if a girl pushed him what he might feel he needed to do to measure up. I think teens need alot of supervision. Just as Christy said I had WAAAY to much freedom and am trying to do things totally different. She could come with us to any family type activity or come over when we we were home but I think you need to get to know her well before you leave them alone.
hugs, I feel your pain with these decisions.... Oh for them to stay young :)

Jewels of My Heart said...

I am so glad I am not there yet. lol
But..... I don't think you are a prude! I think those rules are given in love and wisdom. It's not a matter of trusting your child. It is a matter or protecting them... sometimes even from themselves. I personally would tell him he can invite her over next week in the evening when the family will be home.

Anonymous said...

Hey! Well, this is a toughie! Well, I am around your son's age and he probably just wants some alone time with the girl. I have friends that are guys that I talk on the phone too....sometimes when something bad happens at school there good to talk too and understand. Once I even told one of my really close who I liked and we ended up "Going Out." Girls and Guys and be good frineds.....I think it will be fine but I would talk to him. Maybe have some of his friends over with him....then he may be less tempted....I would also talk to the girls parents see how they feel. I am sure your son is a responsible, mature, young man. I know he will make the right choice he is your son after all......

theghelertertwins.blogspot.com said...

No way. Yes, you've raised a really good boy, but he is at an age where kids have raging hormones and a little too much rubbing and hugging could lead to the wrong thing especially with no parental supervision. They're not ready to be left alone with the opposite sex. Not yet anyway. Just my two cents worth....

Kim & Jeff said...

As a former cheerleading coach to freshmen, sophomores, jr and senior girls (from a catholic high school even) I would say no way would I allow kids of opposite sex to be home alone without a parent/adult...

There are just way too many things that can happen... Even the best meaning trust worthy kids can get themselves into situations that they might not be able to handle.

I would say meet the girl first get to know her and then see how you feel... Trust me even though they are "only talking" now days that means more than what it used to... :)

Hope that helps... By the way you are still a cool mom!!!

Linda said...

as someone who raised children, i would not let him bring anyone home without a parent there. it's not him, it's the circumstances... we all are tempted in certain situations and teenagers don't make the right choices all the time. it also has to do with respect for your home. later you may face bringing a friend home and they expect to stay in the same bedroom. i know i'm older but i don't agree with that and i think that problem will never come up if you start now with the " rules ". have your home open to all friends male & female, but only when an adult is there.. that's my 2 cents worth. good luck with with ever you decide...linda

Mr.Brian said...

Very tough one.
My thoughts are if they want to get shall I say romantic they will find a place to be romantic if it is at your place or some other place.
If you honestly trust your son and have a very good relationshop with him you and your husband should sit down and share your concerns with your son.Let him know what will happen if he disobeys your rules.There comes a time when we need to show kids trust.(this coming from a man with no children or wife).
When all else fails ask God for the right answer he will help you decide.
Good luck,I will say a special prayer for you tonight.
Hugs,
Mr,Brian

Leigh Ann said...

Yikes! I think you first initial gut instinct (mom radar) was right on...not without a parent there. Its so hard to find a balance...my oldest will be 19 in Jan, but she's a girl, and the whole bedroom door open, etc. benefits them and I think they are comforted by the fact that a lot of these decisions are taken away from them - my oldest told me (years later) that it took some of the pressure off of her - she put it own me, the adult, and her peers accepted this and the rules. Hope this helps.

eggrolls and chopsticks said...

I can't offer any advice cos (a) I am not a boy and (B) I was always goody 2 shoes. My parents let me have anyone over to the house and even let me go into my room with them cos I truly was trust worthy.

I think you need to meet the girl and take it from there. You are a very wonderful person with morals and you have raised your son this way but I do think you should establish a "relationship" with this girl before you just open your house to her and him ALONE.

Laura Nipper said...

Oh man this is a good post and it has been fun reading everyone's comments. I am not really the one to give advice because my kiddos are not near that stage yet. I would agree that being home alone together would not be the best thing. It just allows to many thing to happen. Good luck with what ever you choose.

LINDA said...

Oh, Kim, I agree with your decision--100%! Only when a PARENT is home to supervise. Forget the spying. Forget the sibling to cramp their style. Forget the lights on and doors open. The visitors are only in the common areas of the house where everyone else will be. Even if you know this girl as your best friends daughter you have known all your life--they don't get alone time in your home. I think they see this on television and believe it is reality. Not so. And there should be a curfew on telephone calls, too.
I will tell you as I've told my friends, you have to have confidence in your parenting up to this point, but you also have to continue with the same parenting. You should definitely have the safe sex talks. Hopefully, these were started awhile back. If not, get busy with that. You won't always be with your children and they deserve to know how to protect themselves. They already know what you expect from them. Have confidence in your son. He will thank you in the future for continuing to be the same Mom and Dad you've always been. Hopefully, when he's ready to date, he'll want to go out with groups of kids. More fun with lots of friends around!

Steffie B. said...

I'd say no......it's just asking for trouble.....you made the right choice.....stop by....you'll see why I had to cancel lunch yesterday....and one day girlfriend.....we will do this together! ;)

shuey6 said...

I trust him... I don't trust her!

Linda said...

I think you made the decision you knew was right in your heart. we all want to be our kids friends,and to trust them. it's not always easy to be the parent, but you'll see they will thank you later.. Merry Christmas. linda

Kimber said...

Oh, I think you did the right thing!

Kim

Salome's Mom said...

You did the right decision. There is no way, that a boy, no matter how good he is, at 15 years of age will be able to resist that kind of temptation. Hormones are raging at that age girl.

kerri said...

At 15 raging hormones take over the brain, overule common sense.
I know he is a great kid but please be home when the girlfriends are over,he will respect your decision someday(probably now if he'd care to admit).
I think you could maybe give them a lot of space when she is visiting, I know I could be alone with the boyfriend if doors were left open and Mom could check.
I respect my Mom so much for being a MOM, not trying to be a friend. ;O)