THE SEVENTH DIAMOND

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Searching for an Identity as an Adopting Mother...

When I was expecting the boys, it was easy for everyone to see that I had a child on the way. People were so happy for me. They smiled and asked questions about when I was due and what names I had picked out. Now that I am adopting, I feel like I am missing out on the attention and joys that I experienced before my children were born.
No one can tell that I have a little girl on the way. No one seems really excited about it now that the wait is taking so long.
I drive into the babies r us parking lot and look at the expecting moms parking spot, I keep moving on until I find one for the 'normal' women.
No one asks me how I'm feeling or if I need anything. I do need some moral support from time to time.
It's like nothing is happening.
That is making me miserable. I want some way to proclaim that I am expecting! I want Sophia Jane to be just as anticipated as Zach,Tyler and Eli were. I'M PARKING IN ALL OF THE EXPECTING MOM SPOTS!! Any other ideas??

29 comments:

Lauren said...

Yeah I can only imagine that would be hard. I mean you want people to be able to check on you and see how you are doing!!!

PromiseKeepersDaughter said...

I hear ya sista!! I wouldn't recommend parking in that spot though......I had the blog police arrest me for my April 4th post!!!!
Whom ever it was didn't have the guts to sign in by her own name but she pretty much told me off!!! So I deleted her comment....I put a very polite edit at the bottom of my post "but" I wanted to write something like ......"Look Lady stop fuming over this post! It is Easter Sunday go spend time with your children.....those weren't raisins in your cornflakes this mornin were they?!!!!!!" But no instead I was my good old approval addicted self and very sweetly edited the post........I gotta grow a back bone ;0}
When you go out with your friends order icecream and pickles..that'll get the ball rollin!!!!
If you find a way to feel more "expectant".....fill us in would ya?
Velcro Hugs

Kayce said...

I TOTALLY know what you mean!!!!!!! I wish I had the answer but I don't...unless you want to tattoo ourselves to say we are expectant mommies too! LOL :)

Alyson & Ford said...

I'm fessing up here - I'm the dad but I feel the pain that my wife must be feeling. In our case, we have two now grown children from my previous marriage from 25 years ago. Aly never gets her credit for "mothering" our children. Not even from her own family. It breaks my heart and now that we are adopting - she doesn't get the support of an expecting mom. Thanks for letting me drop this on you. I'm not normally so sucky low but this tears me up inside. Thank God our children love and respect her but to many she is nothing more than a step-mom. They'll never know the pain that inflicts. Again, thanks for letting me pour this out. Please feel free to delete this post. I'll understand. Just know that Aly is a mom to our children and to Alyazabeth An once she gets here and I love her for all she does and all she is...

Boy, you'll never want me posting here again. Wimp husband that I am.

Peace
fm

Rachael said...

I like the T-shirts they have at this website:

http://www.notshowing.com/products-womens.html

A little subtle reminder to people.

Nancy said...

I have never thought of this aloud, but here are my thoughts.

We carry pictures of our kids on keychains, buttons, etc. Why not put a picture of China and have the words waiting placed across it. If nothing else, it is sure to be a conversation starter.

eggrolls and chopsticks said...

Well said Sista!
I hear you and truly care how you are feeling! I hope you are doing great and that the wait will get easier for you. And for someone who is paper pregnant you look marvelous.

Mr.Brian said...

Rachel had the same idea I did.get a t-shirt that says addoptive mom waiting for her child.some catch phrase I am sure you or your other friends could come up with some ideas.
Keep us posted if you do this.

marina said...

This is how I've been feeling lately. There were some women at my last adoption class who were wearing t-shirts that said, "Expecting from China" - but I dont know if I would feel on display or not. But of course I DID feel like I was on display when I was pregnant!

Rhonda said...

I had Josh park in one of those spots...it felt weird at first, but damn it, I wanted to! :)

mommy24treasures said...

I suppose those feelings are part of what drove me to the internet world of friends. Here I found people sharing so many of the same emotions and feelings; and made cyber friends that in someways feel closer than people I physically know friends.
I did always park in the expectant mom place at babies r us :)

Ashley said...

I was going to give the t-shirt idea too. I think it's a cool idea!!

Sorry you're missing out on all the "stuff" expecting moms get, but just know Sophia will have an extra special "waiting for you" story!

nikki said...

I do understand your frustration, but your loved ones (and blogger friends) are excited for you! Maybe we just need to "fuss" a bit more over you sometimes. You SHOULD be made to feel special during your pregnancy. Much love to you, friend. Can I do anything?

Robin said...

yeah.. I parked in one of those spots a couple of weeks ago. It said "For expecting mothers or mothers with small children" I am expecting and I had my 6 week old gs with me. am I disqualified becauase I'm a "grand" mother?? I think not. I felt weird at first then said.. the heck with it! Felt pretty darn good and it was nice not having to walk so far.

Don and Lisa Osborn said...

I know what you mean. I am not even DTC yet for #2 and people are already asking if we've heard anything yet. If the questions are already coming, it is going to be a very long wait.

People care but they just don't get it unless they are in the throes of the process or VERY close to someone who is.

You will find your blog and DTC friends will provide more support and understanding during this time on a consistent basis. I remember with Lindy we thought for sure we'd have her referral in late November of 2005 so I had a shower in December. We didn't get a referral until late January and it was a full two months until we traveled. I joked that people probably thought I had all these great showers for attention but no baby was ever coming.

Don't forget for one moment you ARE an expectant mother. If you're feeling a bit left out as an expectant mother, don't be afraid to ask your friends to pray for you, your family, and your waiting child. Share your specific prayer requests and they may realize you're experiencing several of the same thoughts and emotions a pregnant woman does. That's what I intend to do, anyway.

Hope that helps! Hang in there...

Lisa

Tracey & Mike said...

I've vented to my poor dh on more than one occasion on how thoughtless people can be. I'm on the board of directors at a nursery school. Since we started the adoption there has been 4 pregnancies amongst the other members. Every one has fussed over them & bought gifts & made "showers" out of meetings, but only one woman has, recently, brought a gift for Ran. Not that I want gifts, but it's the principle. The recognition that our family too will soon be welcoming a child.

Don and Lisa Osborn said...

Oh, yes...I thought of something else that made me feel outwardly expectant when I was waiting for Lindy. My hubby made a red thread bracelet for me the Christmas after we had started the chase. I wore it the whole time. People would often ask about the bracelet and I would explain the red thread proverb. No one ever thought I was trying to be like Demi Moore or Madonna. :o)

Fondly,
Lisa

Diana said...

Some GREAT ideas here that I wish I had used when I was "expecting". It certainly does/did feel that we are missing out on something since we don't have the very obvious visible signs. A thought provoking post. Please let us know which route you plan to take,
P.S. How ARE you doing with the wait?

GWEN OATSVALL said...

okay don't laugh at this, but i am right there with ya, so with our first adoption i bought a really cool t-shirt from CafePress.com and it said "Child growing in my heart loved around the world" with a picture of china and in the backdrop the american flag .. i wore it so much people started to make fun of me, but i loved all the attention ...

Beckyb said...

It is so hard - you got it right. And even when you go all the way to China and come home with a new baby, they still don't treat you like you just had a baby. They just don't get it, but we do!!!! You pamper yourself - you will be a mommy again soon!!!

Noemi said...

It must be really hard on you and others in your situation. I am so sorry you feel this way. I can only hope that the wait for your precious little girl goes by as fast as it can....

Ms. Dragonfly said...

I say DO park there and if anyone challenges you tell them you are pregnant. I'm sureyou do't look it, but who are they to say?
"Licence registration, postive pregnancy pee stick please."
I hear ya though, I think this is one of the reasons we all stck together in blog land.
We're so misunderstood!

Olivia said...

Hey hon! My good friend felt the exact same way when she was going through her Russia adoption process. She ended up getting her a t-shirt that said Expecting Mother (on the front) and Waiting for my baby in Russia) on the back. I am sure they have plenty of shirts like that for China adoption. Just wear it anytime you go to Babies R Us!! :)

Good Luck!

Doris & Dan said...

I hear ya! I hav enot had the nerve to park in those spots but we have received lots of support from our loved ones. The wait just makes it harder to keep being pregnant.

Hugs!

Keep smilin!

Lynn said...

I have passed those spots up too...

We started trying over 9 years ago for a second child... I was really looking forward to parking in one!

Now I'll just be happy to have my own reason to shop at Babies R US!!

crazylady said...

You are fortunate to have experienced the kudos and warm glances with your birth children. It is a profound sadness so many of us will never know to compare to. Like so many other feelings we will never know (heartbeat, kicking, birth, nursing) We just try to move on. Emphasis on 'try'.

Dolores and Shawn said...

I so hear you on this one. My sister-in-law is expecting and everyone is gushing over her and yet nobody gushes over us. Not that we want gushing, just an acknowledgment.

Jonni & John said...

I am so glad that you wrote this post. I have wanted to write something similar on my blog for a long time, but was afraid I might hurt some friends and family members, so I stayed away from it.

I cannot thank you and others in the adoption agency for being so kind to us when we received Sofia's referral. I received 8 beautiful presents and you know what? They were not from friends I have known for years or family members, they were from my new friends I have met through adoption. My heart is so big with the love we have received. I just wish that everyone could understand that an adopted child is no different from a child that you give birth too.

Hugs,
Jonni

Jonni & John said...

Oops, I meant adoption world not agency.