Motherless On Mother's Day...

This year is the first year that I have no one to buy a card for on Mother's Day. The first year that I stand alone as the oldest woman and female leader of my family. With the death of my Grandmother came the death of my support group as a woman. The core that was my family source of strength. My Mother is gone, my Grandmother is gone. And there is no one else now. It's just me.
It really hit me about three weeks ago. I found a lump (not the good kind). For four days I was terrified because the not good type of lumps run in my family. I thought I may not live to see my children grow, I feared it would be the end of my adoption and how could this happen to me now when I had Sophia's referral and my children still needed me. It was an awful four days and I had no one to call. Even when I found out everything was ok, I had no one to call.
I miss my Mom. Despite her shortcomings. I wish she was here to love me. I wish she was here to love my children.
And I miss my Grandmother who held everything together and brought out the best in everyone. When she left, the good went with her and all that was left were dishes that I wasn't allowed to have. Eli is still crying for you Grandma and wondering where you are and asked today if we saw Jesus come to take you to heaven. I have so much to do. And I know I can do it, I just wish you were here to talk to.

I have known much loss in my life, but I have been blessed as a mother. Blessed with three sons who I live for. Three angels who I was chosen to mother, and I am so grateful. Tonight I saw my oldest son in a tux taking his favorite girl to prom. I cannot tell you how beautiful he is to me. Tyler is at the store buying the food he is going to make for me for a special breakfast on Mother's Day. On the way home tonight Eli told me that he loves me and he wants to marry me and be a ninja with me. My heart is so full, I just can't even find words. And now I have been chosen again, one last tiny miracle for me....my daughter who I have waited for truly all my life. I do not deserve such blessings...Lord, help me be the mother I need to be so that they can reach the potential you have for them.