Saturday, May 09, 2009

Motherless On Mother's Day...

This year is the first year that I have no one to buy a card for on Mother's Day. The first year that I stand alone as the oldest woman and female leader of my family. With the death of my Grandmother came the death of my support group as a woman. The core that was my family source of strength. My Mother is gone, my Grandmother is gone. And there is no one else now. It's just me.
It really hit me about three weeks ago. I found a lump (not the good kind). For four days I was terrified because the not good type of lumps run in my family. I thought I may not live to see my children grow, I feared it would be the end of my adoption and how could this happen to me now when I had Sophia's referral and my children still needed me. It was an awful four days and I had no one to call. Even when I found out everything was ok, I had no one to call.
I miss my Mom. Despite her shortcomings. I wish she was here to love me. I wish she was here to love my children.
And I miss my Grandmother who held everything together and brought out the best in everyone. When she left, the good went with her and all that was left were dishes that I wasn't allowed to have. Eli is still crying for you Grandma and wondering where you are and asked today if we saw Jesus come to take you to heaven. I have so much to do. And I know I can do it, I just wish you were here to talk to.

I have known much loss in my life, but I have been blessed as a mother. Blessed with three sons who I live for. Three angels who I was chosen to mother, and I am so grateful. Tonight I saw my oldest son in a tux taking his favorite girl to prom. I cannot tell you how beautiful he is to me. Tyler is at the store buying the food he is going to make for me for a special breakfast on Mother's Day. On the way home tonight Eli told me that he loves me and he wants to marry me and be a ninja with me. My heart is so full, I just can't even find words. And now I have been chosen again, one last tiny miracle for me....my daughter who I have waited for truly all my life. I do not deserve such blessings...Lord, help me be the mother I need to be so that they can reach the potential you have for them.

26 comments:

Kim K. said...

Happy Mother's Day, dear friend. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Just think one year from now and the changes this year will bring to your motherhood. I'm in awe and can't wait to follow your journey. Hugs!!

Shay Ankerich said...

Dear Sweet Friend,
I feel your pain as you miss your grandmother. Both of mine are gone too. So sorry your mom is not here either. I pray for you as you grieve them both. I am also so sorry you suffered that terrible scare for four days. I am so thankful it turned out ok. God is so good to have blessed you with such precious boys and now a sweet little girl. I can't wait for you to go get her. Oh what blessings you have in store! I pray your Mother's Day is blessed and you have a wonderful celebration!!!
Blessings,
Shay

Mr.Brian said...

I know there are no words I can write to ease the emptyness you are feeling this mothers day.
Each year I think of those whom do not have their parent at mothers/fathers day and I just feel a little pain for them.
Each year I also think how lucky I am to still have both my parents and i cherrish each day the Lord lets me keep them,for I know some year I will be the one missing my parent for the first time.No one can prepare us for that time ,but our faith and strenght from our mighty and wonderful God helps us make it through these rough times.
May you feel Gods grace at your side.
Blessings,
Mr.Brian

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

Noone can say the right words to make your pain go away..
Just know that you are an AMAZING lady and you have AMAZING children and you are the best mother..
Cherish every moment.. it is truly amazing how they grow up sooo fast..
I too got the pleasure of watching my oldest take his friend to prom and it is such an amazing time but I know how your heart aches that they can be growing up..
Love ya girly..
always here for you..
Happy Mother's Day...

Lea said...

Kimberley,

I know all too well this grieve business isn't fun. But, anything less wouldn't be right in my eyes. Our loved ones deserve our attention and loss. Hang in there my friend.

We are ever so blessed.

Lea
xo

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

Though I still have my mum... knowing that she is 10,000 miles away I hate it... and knowing that we have Mother's Day is coming up and I am not here is awful... but I can call her up...
I am sending you huge hugs...
Take care

Patricia/NYC said...

Happy Mother's Day, my sweet friend! Praying for you as you grieve your grandmother, but know that YOU are a strong, beautiful, wonderful mom to your 3 boys & your precious Sophia! Have a wonderful, joyous day tomorrow, knowing it will be very soon that you will be wrapping your arms around your newest child.
HUGS to you!!
Patricia

Gail said...

You write so from the heart and I understand the pain you feel Kimberley...you are in my prayers. Happy Mother's Day, your beautiful angel will be with you soon.

hugs,
Gail

Jill said...

My tears are flowing...this was such a touching post. I wish I had the words that could take away your pain.
Happy Mother's Day!
Hugs, Jill

k1 said...

I agree with what all the others say about you and mothers. I also want to say, PRAISE GOD that the lump wasn't life threatening!!

a Tonggu Momma said...

Kimberley, I'm so very sorry for your losses. Hugs to you as you remember them this Mother's Day.

Amy said...

Dear Kimberley,
I, too, am so sorry for your losses.

In the midst of your grieving, you are rejoicing in all of your blessings. You are such an amazing light for your children to grow in!

Your sons are precious...what LOVE they have for you. Your daughter has waited for you all her life, as you have waited all your life for her. God's mercy is so great and so tender. Sophia will soon be smiling, wrapped in her Mommy's arms where God has planted her.

This Mother's Day as you hold all of your loved ones in your heart, know that YOU ARE LOVED.

Big Hugs Wrapping Around You from CT,
Amy

Marla said...

I'm so sorry for your losses. Big hugs to you.

Kayce said...

You are in my thoughts today Kimberley. Know that your are such a blessing to your children. Happy Mother's Day. Hugs.

Michelle said...

I'm so sorry for your losses.

That must have been a very scary four days. I am so glad everything is o.k.

I miss my Mom today too.

Doreen said...

Happy Mother's Day! I hear your pain..I lost my mother almost 10 years ago and each mother's day I still miss her (I do every day too). I do have my 2 beautiful girls and that sure makes the day alittle easier.

Doreen in Montreal single mom to Faith-Jiangxi & Mia-Sichuan

Lena Wright said...

Happy Mother's Day, Kimberley. I can relate to what you write-I am missing my mom who died 4 years ago this month, and I am missing my kids who aren't at home with me yet. I feel sad and lonely, and yet I know I am loved and that God is good. I am blessed. Thanks for sharing.

Faith, Hope, and Love said...

Oh Kimberley...my heart aches for you and with you. I totally get every word you are saying. I remember our first vacation after my mom died...there was no one to call and let know we made it safely. The wonderful Granny that my oldest grew up with...is only a void in the life of my youngest. We took flowers to a grave today when in the past I would have been preparing dinner for my mom. Its hard. I wish I could give you a hug. I had the same type of health scare just a week before traveling to China. Keep your faith and your hope. It WILL get better after Sophia is home. God is bigger than all of this!!!

Love and hugs my friend!!!
Robin

sweet momma luv u said...

Hi Kim,

It must be difficult to have this first Mother's Day without your Grandmother and your Mom too. I hope that your day is fillled with love from your handsome boys and dreams of your precious daughter Sophia! Ah the seasons of life... the one constant is our God! May he fill your soul with all of his fatherly love today.

Blessings and hugs,
Jody

Linda said...

I'm sorry for yur losses of Mom and Grandma... You are never alone because you are a part of them.. When I lost my Mother it was hard, but I've always tried to think of the good things and they make me smile. I've told my kids there will be no crying when I'm gone, I want them to think of the funny things and remember them, because I'll be watching.. I believe we need to celebrate the many things we were given by that person and know we wil see them again...
To have children who love you and want to marry you!! means you are a great Mom and will be a wonderful Mom for Sophia.
I wish for you many small miracles each day to help you find your happiness again.... Linda

Truly Blessed said...

Please know that you can ALWAYS call me -- for the good stuff, the scary stuff and the crappy stuff...I don't presume to think I'll ever replace your mother or grandmother, wouldn't even want to try, but you could have called me with your scary news and gotten all slobbery and everything. It hurts so much to not have someone to cry to, that I know.

K1 wrote a lovely tribute to our beloved Grandma, who died 15 years ago on Mother's Day. It's still hard, 15 years later to not have her wisdom to run to when I need it. And though my mom is still alive, she's thousands of miles away doing her own thing, not really part of my life at all (except when she wants to be), so I know somewhat what you're going through -- close but not exactly.

Still, I'm here for you. Whenever and however you need it.

Hope you had a wonderful, relaxing, fantastic Mother's Day -- your last one without Sophia home...

Alyson and Ford said...

Please find other women in your family to talk with; you will receive much and they have great capacity to love.
So sorry for your losses.
Happy Mother's Day!

Alyzabeth's Mommy

Margaret M said...

Kimberley, Thinking of you and praying for you this mother's day. May you see your inner strength and how you touch and "mother" so many of us in the blogging community. You push us all to be better mothers. I am blessed to 'know' you. Hugs! I hope you had a wonderful Mother's Day!

Dita said...

Kimberley...first I want to send you a great big hug...the kind that lasts longer than the usual ones.

I can feel how profound the loss of both of your "mothers" is in your words and in your heart. I am so sorry.

I had a very special relationship with my grandmother and she has been gone nearly 10 years. I still hear her and see her most every day in my head and heart...and she makes me chuckle and smile a secret smile sometimes...she was my very best friend EVER.

I hope that you keep both mom and grandmom close in your thoughts and listen when you are alone...because they are there...in YOU.

I am so glad that your medical scare was only that and that you have recieved good news.

May you have a long life ahead watching your beautiful boys and your little girl enjoy all the wonderful things their lives have in store for them...with you by their side!

LaLa said...

Sending you hugs today. As you know I no longer have my mom or grandmother either. I am blessed to have a wonderful mother-in-law on this day though.

I am so sorry you have had all these losses and am soooo happy you are about to bring your girl home : )

Jonni said...

Sweetie, I am so very sorry for the losses you have had to recently endure and I am so happy that everything was okay at the Dr.

I can't wait for you to bring your beautiful daughter Sofia home. You have such a special family. :)

Hugs,
Jonni