THE SEVENTH DIAMOND

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Searching for Sophia...


Over the past 5 days, we have had the privilege of reviewing the files of 2 children. Beautiful little girls who captured our hearts. We had high hopes that one of them was Sophia. We researched and prayed and asked a lot questions. We had Bible verses on the fridge next to a sweet little face, hoping it would inspire and guide us. In the end, neither girl is our daughter.

I thought that I would instantly know it was her when I saw her face. I had always dreamed that I would look into her eyes and know she was my girl. This was the case with the first girl. We both looked at her little face and knew she was ours. She had the family cowlick and my grandfather's birthday. We were elated. We asked the questions our pediatrician required, fully expecting to hear good news and be united with our child. The news was not what we needed to hear. Her situation was far more serious than we could manage. We couldn't believe it. We were devastated and our faith in ourselves and our ability to recognize our own child was shattered. There were tears and a lot of heartache.
We were going to take a little a break, but a good friend encouraged us to keep trying. Again, we received the file of a beautiful little girl. I mean breathtaking beauty. We were much more cautious though. We asked the questions our pediatrician needed to know and received some pretty positive answers. We struggled for days, going back and forth, as this child's SN was pretty serious and the long term prognosis could not be determined at this time. We had actually come to the decision to accept this child's referral over the weekend, only to be faced with more questions later. We prayed and prayed. I couldn't sleep, I looked like I had been dragged behind a bus. We could not let her go and we could not find the peace to move forward. Yesterday we made the decision that if we could not find the peace to move forward, then we would have to let her go. And yesterday, we let her go. Let me tell you, while you are completely heartbroken, to watch your 6'3" husband's eyes cloud up with tears is awful...just awful.
My oldest son Zachary came into this world so easily, no complications. Tyler was a life and death struggle from 9 weeks all of the way until he was born at 38 weeks. Eli put me on bedrest, but wasn't as serious as Tyler. Now, my little Sophia is a different struggle, a struggle of my heart and my spirit. Both of which are completely exhausted right now.
We will continue to search until we find her. But my gnawing fear is that we will see her and not know it is her and let her pass by. I thought I would know when I saw her face. Evidently I won't. I was so certain the first baby was our girl. I know that God is in control and He would not allow us to make such a large mistake. But right now I am so confused. This experience has questioned our ability as parents and our faith. What if God was hoping we would take a leap of faith with this child and we didn't? What if we blew it?
The weight of choosing your child is so incredibly overwhelming. The boys were sent to me by God, I had no decisions to make. I never question whether or not they are mine, I gave birth to them...of course they are mine. With Sophia, I know that God will bring her to me too, I just have a role to play in it. A role that I was truly unprepared for. But I know that she is so worth it all. Every heartbreak brings us closer to her. I would break my heart a thousand times for my girl and shed endless tears. We are hopeful and know that the future holds tears of joy.
Thank you to everyone who prayed for us. We were truly on our faces before God. Thank you for your e-mails and the Bible verses you sent. I put your verses on our fridge where I could read them every day.

59 comments:

Somewhere In The Sun said...

Oh Kimberley, my heart goes out to you! Please go to my blog and read my adoption stories of Jackson and Lili if you have some time. They tell the story of how we tried to go one way and God led us another. The ONLY one of my children that I knew "instantly" was Olivia. God led us to each one. He will lead you to yours. You are SO VERY WISE to follow His leading and not proceed without His peace.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. Proverbs 16:9

He will not let you down. He WILL bring your family together!
I'm praying for you my friend.

~Lynn

Walker said...

Oh, my sweet friend... I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a Big Hug! I know this is so very hard.. we experienced the same thing.. and just when I thought I couldn't take it NO MORE... God sent us Faith. Hang in there!
My husband & I fully believe that the devil will do anything he can to distract you when adopting! It is spiritual warfare! Maybe God put these children in your lives so that you can place them at his feet in prayer! And if that is the case... you did it my friend & He will Bless .. in His time!!
love & Hugs,
Keisha

Gail said...

It will happen Kimberley, you will find your Sophia and know it is her. And probably when you least expect it. I am praying for you everyday.

Gail

Desiree said...

It is so hard to turn down a file, knowing that it is so much more than a file. You know what you can handle and what you can not. There are parents out there for the two little ones, so don't worry about that. God knows the plans he has for you. You will find your daughter. Keep the faith.

mommy24treasures said...

hugs...

Denise C said...

OH sweet Kimberley! My heart breaks for your family too....I will continue to pray pray pray for your family and your precius little Sophia....rest in the fact that your Heavenly Father knows who she is....and just like you said....HE will bring her to YOU!
Sending you hugs and love this morning!!!!
Bless your precious heart!!!

Noemi said...

Sending you my hugs and prayers...

amy said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. Email me soon so we can chat! We are waiting on a match from our agency with SN, so we do not know when our wait is over has well.

I can not imagine your heart right now!

Paula said...

I'm praying for you Kimberly. I truly believe that if a child is meant to be with you, God will open all of the doors and you will KNOW in your heart. You will not be able to get the child out of your mind. Stay the course and press on.
Love and hugs my friend.

Kayce said...

You are all still in my prayers, as is Sophia. Hugs my friend. Let go and let God. It WILL happen.

3D said...

I am sorry for your sadness. Wish I had all the answers.

Your header does offer solemn and true words... there is always hope.

Hugs.

Keep smilin!

Special K said...

What a difficult time to go through. Sometimes the way is clear and sometimes it is dark and uncertain. God is guiding either way.

Debz said...

Bless your hearts, I totally understand your struggle. We were approached by a lady in a neighboring town to adopt a little boy a year ago past May and let me tell you it is not an easy decision but one I'm sure was right. I feel your sorrow.

Perhaps these two girls were put in your path so that you could be thier prayer mommy and pray they get matched with the perfect parents for thier needs.
Velcro hugz to you...

nikki said...

You had been in my thoughts a lot, and I had no idea all that you were going thru...
Keep trusting God to give you peace when it is a green light - and try not to second guess yourselves. Continue to trust in Him - and lean not on your own understanding.
Remember that His strength is made perfect in our weakness, so lean on Him and His strength...He'll get ya thru.
Much love sent to your entire family as you continue on your journey to Sophia.
XO

Heather said...

Kimberley - I checked daily just to be sure if you had news to report or not - when you said you were taking a break, I knew it was BIG and I felt I needed to allow you the space to do what you had to do, but please know you have been ever present in my prayers and in my heart. When I read this I sobbed - all of it true, all of it unknown - I so get it, but it doesn't make the task at hand any easier. I remember thinking, "what if she is not the one we were supposed to have?" God answered that in a very simple exchange that I may post about now, just for you:)

I have no words or even scripture at the moment, usually I am NEVER at a loss for scripture, but I feel you need to sit with your grief, feel the losses and rejoice when your fridge holds the picture of the precious girl destined to be Sophia - until then, you can rest knowing your friends are praying, loving you and your family and that our gracious heavenly Father has you tight in His grip, guiding and numbering each step to your exact blessing.

Love & Hugs
Heather

k1 said...

Kimberley,

I stayed up WAAAY too late last night reading the forum at Rumor Queen. I clicked on a topic that so exactly addresses what you are feeling right now. So many people shared their doubts, their questions, their heartbreak at declining the files of waiting children. They all admitted to the same fears afterward of missing the child they were supposed to have. Most of them have now found "their" child and I think all but one of the declined children have been matched with a family that was truly "theirs". I can not remember if it was in General Discussion or Special Needs. I will go back and try to find it.

Grieve. It is natural. But know that you WILL feel peace with your decision when you accept the daughter God has for you.

A 'restless spirit' is a sign from God that something is not right.

Love you. Glad you are back. Keep focused on God's will.

k1 said...

http://chinaadopttalk.com/forum/index.php?topic=22301.0

Mom of 5 said...

Thinking of you ~ a prayer said for you and your family.

Sherri & John said...

Kim, I am thinking of you and your family. You will find Sophia, that I know, just have faith.

Hugs
Sherri

adele and dan said...

I so feel your pain. My husband cried when he saw the child that turned out to be not ours and having to tell him was one of the hardest things I had to do. But we just had to let it go and have faith that our baby will be there when the time is right. One of my favorite songs is the Beatles "Let it Be". It helps to know things WILL fall into place and a Power great than we can know is at work. You have a strong faith and that will see you through. I'll be thinking and praying for you. Hugs....Adele

Amy said...

Kim, you will find her soon. I just know you will have a face to go with your hope by next month! A friend of mine uses to say "God's best has to do with all the rest". I'm sure you must know that God will not fail to lead you now. He does not hide his will ...he does not have just any child picked out for you; her whole life was designed to be spent in your home. This is no accident, it was planned. You are about to see a miracle unfold. It is very hard to know anything from a picture. There has to be a profile you feel comfortable with. Only as you come to know your child (and this could take time) will you realize how right they are for you and you for them. Forget the whole "I took one look into there eyes and just knew" stuff. Maybe it will happen, maybe not. Trust that you will grow to love the right child, and you will not be lead to the wrong child. One child’s profile is going to make your whole family comfortable and you will just say yes. You will grow on your child, and your child will grow on you. I’m so excited for you. It will not be long now. I just know it!!!

that girl (shelly) said...

crying with you.

she's out there; hold on...

Janet said...

Praying for you, K. YOu are doing what you need to do, but it doesn't make it easier. May God grant you peace.

Pam and Jeff said...

I csnnot imagine what you are going through. God is leading you down this road for a reason.
I was shown this verse a few days ago.

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily,
surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it
seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be
late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3
Go's timing is the right time. Hang in there. I am praying that you have peace in your heart. Those little children will find forever families. You will find your daughter.

Duchess of Lanier said...

Hugs and hugs. Many of us have been there and many have doubts even after they are home. It is an ebb tide of emotions. You are not alone. Give yourself time and know that you are in our thoughts.
Trena

Steffie B. said...

You already know I am with you on this issue.....we'll get through it girl....I'm glad we could talk and email...it will be okay.....your baby girl will be with you soon....
love and hugs....
Steffie

Michelle said...

What a beautiful, heartfelt, honest post, although I am deeply sorry it was written in sorrow. I can tell you our story and hope it brings you just a tiny bit of comfort. We knew in an instant when we saw our girls' photos - even though neither one fit the mold of what we were looking for. Our first was older and we were looking for younger; our second was much younger and we were looking for older. God placed a sense of peace and knowing in our hearts and without a shadow of a doubt, we simply knew. I believe He will do the same for you. I am lifting you and your family up in prayer as you wait for Him to bring you Sophia.

OH MY #6 said...

I am so sorry Kimberley.

Lea
xo

sea star said...

No doubt in my mind, you will find her. I understand the struggle of 'picking' versus just being handed what God wanted you to have. That's why I've never been able to make the step of choosing. I admire you and your determination for searching and praying. Just know I'm thinking of you.

Roy and Lori said...

Praying for you! Take care!

Patricia/NYC said...

Oh, great big HUGS to you, sweet friend!! You WILL know your daughter when you see her...as difficult as it is right now, continue to trust in the Lord...it's all up to Him & He WILL answer your prayers!

I'm covering your family in prayers!!
HUGS!!!
Patricia

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you my dear friend..
I am sooo sorry you have to go through all this pain..
But YOU will KNOW in your heart,body and soul who Sophia is... don't doubt yourself...
I have been thinking of you ....
HUGS ...
Love ya girly..

Dolores and Shawn said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry! It must have been such a difficult decision to make but only you and your husband know what you are able to handle.

Hugs to all of you.

Amy said...

I am heartbroken for you and all those who find themselves on the journey you are on. This is a labor of a different kind, and the tears and pains more lasting. May God bring you all you need to continue. May he renew your strength. May he bring you comforter as you have comforted! I wait with and for you.

Oatsvall Team said...

as i read your words i can feel the ache deep in your heart ... God is standing right beside you ... do not question your ability to find your daughter ... God will bring peace through this process ...after applying for 13 little girls and being rejected 12 times, it grew us so close to the Lord ... we started seeing the plight of the orphan more clearly, we started praying more, we saw our lives stretched and as hard as it was it was GOOD ... God was molding us to be warriors for His cause "TO CARE FOR THE ORPHANS." ...

You are an amazing family, don't ever doubt that and when you do find your angel girl there will be peace ...

love you and praying always !!!

LINDA said...

I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. God will lead you. You can be sure of that. NEVER GIVE UP......

mom 2 many said...

Praying for you. You WILL find her! In His timing.

Hugs,
Carla

Laura Nipper said...

Oh sweet Kimberly. My heart goes out to and your family. It makes me so sad to know that Sophie is not with you yet. I am praying for you and know God will lead you to your baby girl. I never know how hard adpotion can be until I starting readying adoption blogs. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

mommy2gabby said...

Oh my.... I am so sorry for everything you have been through.

May peace and understanding
Give you strength and courage,too,
And may the hours and days ahead
Hold a new hope for you;
For the sorrow that is yours today
Will pass away and then
You'll find the sun of happiness
Will shine for you again.
~~Helen Steiner Rice~~

Praying that you fill find that peace. I know that God's plan for you has your Sophia. These girls were meant to be someone else's. Easy for me to say.

I remember going through this with our first adoption before we got Gabby. I still think about the twins (boy and a girl) here in WA, and the little boy in MN. I pray for them still. They were not meant to be ours. Gabby was chosen for us! I am so glad she is ours.

Blessings and hugs dear friend,
Jody

Michelle said...

Kim,

I don't know if you remember, but during our journey to Lilyann, we went through this exact same thing, but we had the babies file for 3 months, and did extensive research. I felt very drawn to this baby too, and she was only 7 mos. old, and sooo adorable. We wanted her, desperately. Finally, we came to the same conclusion, the peace we needed just wasn't there. When you find Sophia, you will be at peace, and you will know with all your heart, that you have found your daughter. God bless.

Michelle

Shelly and Family said...

I can't begin to understand what you are going through (both of our girls, Francesca who has been home since 11/05 and our newest addition Miss Annabelle Faith who is currently waiting for us in China were both our daughter the mintue we saw there faces...we just knew in our hearts that they were "Leonards"...now please remember that both have been dx with the same medical condition so it not like we had a lot to think about when we got Annabelle's file). Anyway, my heart is so going out to you during a time like this...Please keep your faith alive and trust me, she is out there...just waiting for you...

Walker said...

more ((HUGS))

jennifer said...

I am so sorry. That is one of the things that scares me about the SN list. I am terrified of making a mistake. That is where faith comes in - knowing that God's plan is in action.

You are right, there's nothing worse that seeing your husband broken. I know you will see your daughter soon, and it will be so worth it.

Carol said...

Hang in there girl! We went thru many months of this before finding Emily.....but when you find her you will know..........we just knew when we got Emily's call that she was ours.....no questions asked..........it will happen........hugs!!

Denise C said...

Just stopping by to leave you some love and big hugs this morning....I have had you on my mind....and in my heart so much...I am constantly lifting up your sweet little Sophia, and your precious family, in prayer!
Oh, if I only lived closer....we'd go have lunch...AND ice cream(!!) ...we'd laugh, talk , cry...and just hang out! Friends are there for each other...and I, am here for you.....just not real close by....but boy, can you count on my prayers!

Love you!
Denise

Tina said...

Breaks my heart and I know where you're coming from. We've had a few misses (we tried more than once and it just wasn't the Lord's plan for us, that's the only thing that keeps me going) and I can't help but think of them everyday and pray that they are now with their family and finding the support they need.
Praying for your comfort and faith that the day will come that you do cry tears of joy!!
Tina

Mr.Brian said...

I know there are no words I can say to ease your pain right now.Please know myself and others are lifting you in prayer.
May you feel the love of others give you strength.

Joanne said...

I am so sorry you have been going through so much ~ it is so very difficult, I know. While reviewing Mia's file we had SO many questions and so little answers! It was a very difficult time - very emotional! We came close to saying "no", but there was one thing that was constant; He would not "let" me say no! It is just a feeling that you know and it will not leave you alone!

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune
without the words
and never stops at all"; this is how Mia Hope Yudan came to us :)

I wish you peace ~ and you will Know when it is Sophia, you will just Know!

You will be in my prayers!

Rachael said...

I'm glad to know you're still hanging in there. One day it will all be clear. Hugs to you.

A Mom- In-W8ing said...

I cannot even image the heartbreak you are feeling right now. I am so sorry for the difficult decisions you have had to make. You have to trust in your heart that only you and your family can make the right decisions for you.

Your post has touched me. I was so emotional after reading your post and all the comments. Thanks for sharing your raw emotions and letting us see into your world.

I know you will find your little Sophia.
Don’t give up!
Look forward with hope and no regrets.

My thoughts & prayers are with you.
(((HUGS))) my friend!

Smiles! :o)
Nikki

Jewels of My Heart said...

Dear Sweet Kimberley, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through in bringing your sweet daughter home. I too always thought I would recognize my child instantly... with Nicholas I did ... with Hannah I did not. But, I walked in faith knowing that it must be her because Jesus had brought us together through her referral... then, the first time I saw her as we were walking down the hall to receive her... I thought I would die from the love that overflowed from my heart for MY precious daughter.... oh, how I knew she was mine in that instant!
God knows your heart... He is bigger than any wrong decisions you can make... He knows who your precious Sophia is and He is faithful.... He will bring her safely home into her mama's arms...
God's peace and God's Speed my friend,
Love,
Daleea

The Princess's Mommy said...

Sending you big hugs across the miles! Just hang in there...the Lord knows your heart and His timing is perfect.

Love and prayers,
Monica

Dawn said...

I know I have been absent for a long time but this post just tore me up. We went through a similar experience shortly after we were LID for Rosie. IT was such a painful experience and one I never thought I would ever be able to do again but we did and we saw THAT face and we knew THAT face was ours. Kim, you will know, honestly you will. Perhaps she is going to come to you instead of you finding her.

Sending huge hugs and lots of love to a truly amazing lady.

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

This isn't really a earth shattering bunch of words but my theory for you is... you won't miss Sophia... she won't pass you by... she will be waiting for you when it is time for you to get there... so no... I don't think that she will pass you by... (can't believe I am about to say this) but she will appear when she is ready to appear... (says me who hates this wait)

Mardi said...

It's so hard..I have felt many of these same stuggles and questions over this long waiting period. Adoption, especially with the long wait, is a true test of patience, faith, and trust in God's plan. I pray you will find comfort soon.

Truly Blessed said...

Kimberley,

I know you ache right now for Sophia, but the two little ones whose files you reviewed weren't Sophia...they belong to other families.

Remember, God is not a God of confusion, He is a God of Peace. When you feel peace in your heart about a child, you know you've found your daughter. Until then, keep seeking HIM and you will be fine.

Love,

Kelly

Table for Six said...

my heart aches for you. we have been in that place and it is not fun. When you see Sophia, you will know. Once we were absolute sure the child we asked to be matched with was our son.. even our SW was completely convinced.. but turns out God said no. However, we had a lot of families praying for that little guy.. and he was matched with his family... as much as it crushed me and my family it was a good thing b/c within months Daniel became part of our family. God opened our hearts to a SN that we never considered b/c of him and b/c of that we finally found the one that God intended for us.. did that make sense?
Sophia is out there and God has his hand on her until you can be matched.. trust Him. Grieve without guilt. And open your hearts again.. God doesn't want us to guard our hearts.. that is His job. He wants us to fully surrender to His calling.. you are there..
thank you for your post.. I will be praying for your healing heart, and for the wisdom to see Sophia when God reveals her!
much love
jill (table for 6)

3 Peanuts said...

Oh Kimberley---you will KNOW because HE will make it work! I know that we had a few failed adoptions before Lil Miss kate came to be. She is SO PERFECTLY one of us! I pray for your perfect match. Love,
Kim

Denise said...

I am just reading this post and my heart breaks for you. You will feel peace when you see your daughter, I can promise you that!

Praying for you~