Searching for Sophia...

Over the past 5 days, we have had the privilege of reviewing the files of 2 children. Beautiful little girls who captured our hearts. We had high hopes that one of them was Sophia. We researched and prayed and asked a lot questions. We had Bible verses on the fridge next to a sweet little face, hoping it would inspire and guide us. In the end, neither girl is our daughter.

I thought that I would instantly know it was her when I saw her face. I had always dreamed that I would look into her eyes and know she was my girl. This was the case with the first girl. We both looked at her little face and knew she was ours. She had the family cowlick and my grandfather's birthday. We were elated. We asked the questions our pediatrician required, fully expecting to hear good news and be united with our child. The news was not what we needed to hear. Her situation was far more serious than we could manage. We couldn't believe it. We were devastated and our faith in ourselves and our ability to recognize our own child was shattered. There were tears and a lot of heartache.

We were going to take a little a break, but a good friend encouraged us to keep trying. Again, we received the file of a beautiful little girl. I mean breathtaking beauty. We were much more cautious though. We asked the questions our pediatrician needed to know and received some pretty positive answers. We struggled for days, going back and forth, as this child's SN was pretty serious and the long term prognosis could not be determined at this time. We had actually come to the decision to accept this child's referral over the weekend, only to be faced with more questions later. We prayed and prayed. I couldn't sleep, I looked like I had been dragged behind a bus. We could not let her go and we could not find the peace to move forward. Yesterday we made the decision that if we could not find the peace to move forward, then we would have to let her go. And yesterday, we let her go. Let me tell you, while you are completely heartbroken, to watch your 6'3" husband's eyes cloud up with tears is awful...just awful.

My oldest son Zachary came into this world so easily, no complications. Tyler was a life and death struggle from 9 weeks all of the way until he was born at 38 weeks. Eli put me on bedrest, but wasn't as serious as Tyler. Now, my little Sophia is a different struggle, a struggle of my heart and my spirit. Both of which are completely exhausted right now.

We will continue to search until we find her. But my gnawing fear is that we will see her and not know it is her and let her pass by. I thought I would know when I saw her face. Evidently I won't. I was so certain the first baby was our girl. I know that God is in control and He would not allow us to make such a large mistake. But right now I am so confused. This experience has questioned our ability as parents and our faith. What if God was hoping we would take a leap of faith with this child and we didn't? What if we blew it?

The weight of choosing your child is so incredibly overwhelming. The boys were sent to me by God, I had no decisions to make. I never question whether or not they are mine, I gave birth to them...of course they are mine. With Sophia, I know that God will bring her to me too, I just have a role to play in it. A role that I was truly unprepared for. But I know that she is so worth it all. Every heartbreak brings us closer to her. I would break my heart a thousand times for my girl and shed endless tears. We are hopeful and know that the future holds tears of joy.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for us. We were truly on our faces before God. Thank you for your e-mails and the Bible verses you sent. I put your verses on our fridge where I could read them every day.