THE SEVENTH DIAMOND

Thursday, January 14, 2010

More than I Love You


More than I Love You

Sophia has been our child for seven months now. She has adjusted wonderfully to our family. She enjoys playing with other children and attending preschool. She knows the family routines and is comfortable in our home. She sleeps soundly on her own in her big girl bed. She freely shows love to each of her family members. From all appearances, it truly is difficult to tell that she has not been with us since birth. From all appearances, she and Eli are equally adjusted in our family unit. Sometimes when I see them together, I don’t remember that it has only been seven months. Sometimes it is easy to believe that it has always been this way.

But there is something in the way that she says, “I Love You”. Sophia tells me that she loves me at least 30 times a day. That is not an exaggeration. And there is something in her words that I cannot directly explain, but I hear it. Her words say, “I love you Mama”, but I also hear the fearful words behind it, “the please keep me, I don’t want to go back”.
I believe that the constant, “I Love You Mama”, is her need to let me know that she wants to stay here with us. That she is still afraid of being taken away. She needs me to know that she wants to be here and more importantly, she needs me to affirm that I want her to be here with us too and that I am her Mama.

I know that this is normal. I know that this is something we will have to go through most likely for years until she knows on a subconscious level that she will be with us forever, but it breaks my heart. Every day I tell her over and over that I love her. I tell her over and over that she is my only girl. I tell her over and over that she is the most wonderful little girl in the world. I tell her over and over how much Mama and Baba love her and that we will be her Mama and Baba when she is 5,6,7,8 and all grown up and a Mama herself and even when she is a Grandma. I hope that she can hear the hidden words behind mine, “I love you so much that I cannot imagine a day without you, I could never imagine a daughter more wonderful and I would give my life to keep you safe”.

Eli tells me he loves me about 4 times a day. There is no need in his voice. The words come easy to him. I long for the day when it is the same for Sophia. I long for the day when she doesn’t need that constant affirmation because she knows in her soul that she is mine and I am hers.

32 comments:

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

She does love you sooo much ... I am sooo HAPPY for you my friend..
It will come with time..
Have a great day..
I long for this day ..
Hugs..
Love ya girly..

Anonymous said...

sweet baby girl... :) she is such a gift.

thatgirlblogs said...

ok, sorry that went on as anonymous, it's me, LOL

Shirlee McCoy said...

Yes, we have been there, too. It has begun to ease, but Cheeky is older. Still, her hugs are tighter than my other kids', and I often feel as if she is holding on, so afraid that forever really isn't all I have promised.

I love your little Sophia. She is a precious, precious girl.

Jewels of My Heart said...

oh, how fragile their little hearts and minds are.... I will be praying for your precious and oh, so loved Sophia Jane to rest in the knowledge that she is home with her family... forever...

Kim K. said...

Beautifully put, Kimberely. We're not quite there yet with Josie either. Last night I worked very late at the University and Josie went to bed before I came home. Hours later she woke up screaming. When I went into her room to comfort her, she told me she was so glad I had come home and that she was worried I wasn't coming back. Our little ones are just so precious and fragile.

Hugs, friend!!

Truly Blessed said...

That time will come. She was older when you met her, and still, I'm sure, has some powerful memories of life in the SWI. You just need to keep doing what you're doing, helping her to understand that you're not going anywhere, and neither is she. It's just going to take some more time.

Patricia/NYC said...

It will come in time...keep on telling her what you tell her...it will be felt, it will sink in...she's been through so much in her short life, and being older is holding onto many memories, I would imagine. Hang in there!! YOu are doing a FABULOUS job!! Look at how adjusted she is to your family! What a blessing!

Kiara continues to be an anxious sleeper (that's where her insecurities manifest themselves, I am convinced) & she has been home almost 4.5 years...I'm sure there is a void I will never be able to fill, especially when she gets older & truly understands her life story. All we can do is give support, open arms, ears to listen & love, love, love unconditionally.

Hugs to you!!

Gail said...

She just wants to be sure you'll always be there, and with time she will. You are doing exactly what she needs. Will still says things like, "you are my mommmy and daddy!" kind of like reassuring himself that we are.

I always keep in mind how much our children have been through in their short lives. You are an amazing mom and doing a fantastic job.

Janet said...

Kimberely,

I am not sure that Adam really believes that he is here to stay. Some days I can just tell that when he gets in trouble, he is looking at me like I hate him. Which is TOTALLY the opposite. It is so hard to hear and see such things. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that only time will heal his heart. And your sweet one will also heal. In time. Your love is a gift to her, and one day she will believe it with all her heart.

Mama Duck said...

I'm sure you have books like "I Love You Forever" and "Guess How Much I Love You" and "Forever Family" that you can show Sophia and read to her, along with constantly reaffirming your love. I think you've got a terrific handle on things, Kimberley, and I know that Sophia Jane feels the deep and abiding love that you have for her. :)

Faith, Hope, and Love said...

What a heartwarming post. What a sweet precious one. Praying that she will soon feel secure and know that your love is endless and that she is forever your daughter.

Happy New Year!

Amy said...

Oh Precious Daughter. Precious Mommy.

Love and Prayers...

Juliette said...

They have lost so much already in their little lives. It might be so scary for them thinking it could happen again.
I hope Sophia's little heart will soon realizes that it is for real and you are indeed her Mama and Baba for her whole life.

Dita said...

What a beautiful, beautiful post.

I can almost hear her words and I am certain that those precious words spoken by you to reassure her will soon seep right into her soul.

She is absolutely gorgeous. I just wish you posted more pictures of your gorgeous children. I LOVE seeing their pictures!


xoxoxo
Dita

kerri said...

Our little Jillian just turned 5 and she still hugs tighter, watches me in a crowded room to make sure I am always in sight, she tells me constantly she loves me. She has even asked me "You'll always be my Mommy right", it breaks my heart, all we can do is reassure as many times a day as they need, I see baby steps daily with her but she is a different child than her big sister.
Time and your precious love will endure all..

a Tonggu Momma said...

Our Tongginator still has some remnants of this, even after nearly five years home. I think a lot depends on personality. All we can do is love, love, love on them and keep open the lines of communication. And give it time. (((hugs)))

jennifer said...

What a sweet post. What a sweet girl!! So happy for you!

The Byrd's Nest said...

She really has adjusted so well...such a huge answer to prayer!

I can relate with this post with Emma except for Emma...she is really just copying Lottie. I long for the day when she says it straight from her own heart. Repetition is so wonderful though for them all....after all...it is such a new feeling. I am so happy for you.

Somewhere In The Sun said...

It took about 4 years before Joe really felt like he belonged to our family. Until then he was always insecure about it even though we constantly reassured him. Several time he told me that I was not his mother and we were not his family. He needed for me to tell him "yes I am and yes we are!" You just keep doing what you are doing and it will happen for Sophia too. How blessed you are to have each other!

~Lynn

Number 6 and no more counting! said...

what a heartfelt post Kimberley. U r so sweet.

Lea
xo

autumnesf said...

5 years home and we still deal with this daily. I just returned from a trip away and can't believe the fallout we are dealing with. Its been 5 years! I sure hope she does grow out of it some day but I'm beginning to wonder if this will be with us for life.

Diane said...

Time does help- but unavoidable life changing events seem to rip those wounds open and once again they lay out wide and raw. The 'I love you' routine I know so well. My youngest would constantly declare through words and love notes her need for reassurance of the permanence of me.

Debz said...

Sugar hugs/kisses us about 30 times a day, I find when we ask her to do something she doesn't want to do or if we correct her on something that will be the first thing she will do to look for approval and make sure we still love her. Breaks my heart. We just have to keep on showing them the consistancy of our love. I don't know if Sugar will ever be able to comprehend the capacity of love we have for her.

I think we'll be making a pretty big deal out of Valentines day this year!
Blessings to you Kimberley!
Hugz
Debz

Mardi said...

wow...I could have written this myself. I feel this way with Lauren also. I was just thinking about this tonight as we drove home from the zoo and she fell asleep only after me telling her it is okay and mommy and daddy will be here when she wakes up and then her taking my hand in hers and finally gave in to sleep. As you said, I too know this is normal, but I too pray she knows in her heart of hearts that she is here to stay. I think each day brings her closer to this. Sophia is such a beautiful girl and I'm so glad she found her way home finally. God is good.

She Writes said...

My Jane has been home three years this March and she is terrified I will leave her still. It amazes me that 19 months gripped her soul aso deeply. She is getting better, much better with security, but she often reminds me to come and get her and not to leave her. It kills me every time.

xxAmy

LucisMomma said...

Our daughter has been with us for 4 1/2 years. She is 5. It is still a big deal here--attachment will always be an issue, I think. Those scars run deep.

A really good book that has helped us this year is "Parenting your Internationally Adopted Child." It's helped me to open and keep open communication with our DD.

Colleen said...

What an honest and beautiful post....{{{{hug}}}}

Michelle said...

She's so sweet! My little one is going through a stage where she always repeats, "I love you, you MY mommy" Isn't it just precious?

3 Peanuts said...

What an insightful Mommy you are. you are dong exactly what you should be doing. She will trust the forevernress (I know not a word...but you know what I mean) of your love soon enough. She will know that your love is infinite.

hugs,
Kim

Kris said...

how incredible that you recognize this and can be her support and comfort.

we have yet to hear those words, and i think it's fantastic that our girl is taking her time, making sure. it says so much about her maturity (emotionally) and her vulnerability- she just isn't ready to give her whole heart. we moved from total rejection of us saying it to her (in China and for the first week or so home), to silence when we said it, to now "okay" with a smile, each time we say it.

one step at a time, right?

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