Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Does it feel the same? Bio and Adoption

Does it feel the same? Bio and Adoption       My latest post at No Hands But Ours

I remember when I was pregnant with my oldest son Zachary. I had no idea what was in store for me. I had no idea of the scope of the emotions that motherhood would evoke. I was on the verge of the greatest love of my life.

I remember looking at him after he was born. I loved to just look at him. I would check on him all of the time while he was sleeping to make sure that he was still breathing and that everything was ok. His smell was the sweetest. I would hold him and look into his eyes and he would run his little fingers through my hair. I loved him in a way that I had never loved anyone. My heart was consumed with him.

When I discovered that I was pregnant again with Tyler, I worried. It was a secret worry. I wondered how I could ever love Tyler as much as I loved Zachary. I could not imagine loving two people that deeply and completely.

My worries were completely unfounded. When Tyler was born, it was like my heart grew and Tyler had his special place filled with all of the love and joy that Zachary’s place in my heart held. I was doubly blessed with my two beautiful sons.

Elijah was a surprise for me. I had not truly intended to have more children. He came to me later in life. I was an older and more mature mother. It was a very stressful time in my life though. Tim and I had not been married for very long and had a lot of new family issues to deal with. My job was shaky. I was put on bed rest for six months due to uncontrollable bleeding. It was a tough time. But when he was born, he brought us such joy.

Shortly after he was born, I started to think about the gap between him and his brothers. There are 10 years between him and Tyler. I didn’t want him to grow up alone. I was already re-living the baby years and truly enjoying them. I knew that another pregnancy was not advisable since I had had such a tough time carrying Elijah. Tyler had been a very difficult pregnancy too. I started to think about adoption.
Tim and I started working on our adoption of Sophia on our second anniversary. I was very excited about it. But the secret fear came back. Can I love her the same? Will the fact that she is adopted make a difference? My mind said, “absolutely not, it will make no difference”. But I still had the secret fear.

Our journey to Sophia was a very long and emotional one. Sometimes it seemed as if she would never come home. But after three and a half years, it was our time. We were going to China to meet our daughter.

The feelings I had when I first saw Sophia were not the same as was when I first saw my sons. I was completely overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I was unprepared in my heart to meet a child who had no one. I could not believe that there was no Aunt, Uncle or Grandparent who would come forward for this child. To be looking into the eyes of a beautiful child who has no one in this world will literally stop your heart. How could this happen to this baby? How could there be no one? Looking abandonment in the face was devastating to me.

And then my heart kicked in. I was no longer looking at abandonment. I was looking at my child. Right at that moment she became my child. No longer an orphan. No longer with no one. We had come forward and with us Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and loved ones in America came forward too. We were now her family.

My heart grew Sophia’s place where all of my love and joy for her lives. It is every bit as real and alive as the love I have for her brothers. The secret fear was unfounded again. For me a child is a child no matter how God brings them to you and I am so happy that I can say that. I am so happy that I love her the way that I do.

My relationship with her is uniquely its own. There has been a lot of bonding and growing and changing over these past seven months. My relationship with each of my children is unique. They each have their own personalities that interact in different ways with my own personality. They are each uniquely loved by me, their mother. I feel so blessed to have the motherhood experiences that I have had. I am so humbled by the gift of my children. They are pure magic to me and I thank God for them.


Kim K. said...

Such a heart-felt post, Kimberely. This whole adoption experience has changed my heart, my life and our family in ways I never thought possible. You've captured all those feelings just beautifully.

Patricia/NYC said...

What a beautiful, eloquent post, Kimberley!

Isabella's Mommy and Daddy said...

Have a great week..

Somewhere In The Sun said...

So beautifully written! It's wonderful to have a full heart!


Gail said...

So beautifully said Kimberley, we both have experienced the birth of our children and adoption...both gifts!

Tomorrow I'm doing a post about Will and me and his attachment.

Lena Wright said...

very well said. Thanks for sharing.

Becky said...

Thanks for sharing! My hubby and I actually talked about adopting a little girl too... just not sure where to start!

Adele said...

Love this post! Hey, I am blogging again. Come check me out. Take care!

Kristy said...

Beautiful mother, beautiful daughter and and incredibly beautiful post....

Love and blessings, Kristy

Much Ado said...

Simply beautiful. You write from your heart.

We are going back to Ireland tomorrow to visit family for the first time with Little Miss G, so when I came to this sentence "We had come forward and with us Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and loved ones in America came forward too. We were now her family." I completely lost it. I could barely read the last 2 paragraphs because of thetears.....absolutely beautiful and so, so true.

I love following you on this beautiful journey!

Colleen said...

Kimberley this is an honest and beautiful post. Having experienced both birth and adoption I have to say both are such an incredible gift and they make me feel so very blessed.
{{{{hug}}}}} Thank you for your post.

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

What a beautiful post Kimberley. Straight from the heart...... honest and true. I can remember having a lot of these same thoughts when I was pregnant with Nick and when we adopted Sarah.



Shay Ankerich said...

I am completely covered in cold chills and full of emotion. I know exactly what you are writing about! I can't wait to feel it all over again! Thank you for sharing such a heart felt post!

Faith, Hope, and Love said...

What a beautiful post from a mother's heart! :)

Love and Blessings,

Kayce said...

Thank you Kimberley for sharing this beautiful post with us all. I too remember those feelings when I was pregnant with Jacob and then again when I was waiting for Jennifer. And you just said what I was wondering about since Jennifer was placed in my arms...my heart grew and wow! it feels so good! Thank you again for your beautiful words.

Number 6 and no more counting! said...

Taking away so much from this post. thank you, for sharing Kimberley!


Jill W said...

So very well said. Thanks for sharing.

Mama Duck said...

Kimberley, I love this post! There are so many parts of it that speak to me...thank you!!

Dita said...

Such a beautiful post, Kimberley.

I can tell you having one of each variety that I never knew I could love them both as much as I do...there is absolutely no difference in my feelings for them...they are both my exquisite, breathtakingly gorgeous, loving, reasons for being. The End.


kerri said...

Well written Kimberley.
I too love my girls uniquely, I feel blessed to have them fill my heart with love.

Alyson and Ford said...

I read your post with interest since I have never given birth (I am a stepper for 25 years); I had love grow in my heart for my two oldest that took about a year (bad me!); but with AA, it was almost immediate (31 months to learn to love her; prepare for the "moment" and I was "wiser" about a mother's love). I would have prepared differently knowing what I know now with my two steps; no different but I had to learn a hard lesson first.
Wish I could write about being a step-mom but too personal, all my family reads our blog.
Thank you again for writing about these feelings.

Alyzabeth's Mommy

k1 said...

Beautifully written.

Mardi said...

I'm speechless...absolutely beautifully said.

The Byrd's Nest said...

So beautiful Kimberley.....you spoke straight from my heart too:)

3 Peanuts said...

Beautifully written and I can totally identify....In some ways my bond is closer with Kate because I had to fight to earn her trust.

mommy24treasures said...

very beautiful just lovely and so well put into words.
The love I have for my adopted Treasures is so strong and bottomless... Knowing how God himself would bless me with the honor of being their mother just overwhelms me with gratitude on a regular basis.