THE SEVENTH DIAMOND

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

What Do You Mean That's Not My Baby...I've Already Fallen In Love.

Well, this little angel was why I was asking questions about hep b. I read about her needing a home on a friends blog and thought I would contact the agency where she was at to see her status. I was told that she had not been inquired about and that if no one from their agency claimed her that we could have the opportunity to put in a request. I knew that most likely we would not get the referral, so I kept telling myself to stay distant, which I was certain that I was doing. We sent her medical information to our pediatrician. A few days later we were informed that she had been placed with a family at that agency (not our agency). Even though I knew deep down that this would happen, I was devastated. There were some tears. If anyone knows how to get through this without heart damage, please share.
I feel like the little duck in that book 'Are you my mother?'. Except I'm running around saying, are you my baby? I am trying to have faith and wait for the child that God has for me, but how do I know who she is? Is she on an SN list? Is she coming in a referral years from now?
I did learn quite a bit from this experience.

1. Agencies can no longer work together to bring a baby home. If you persue a baby from another agency, you have to leave yours and pretty much start your dossier all over again. Something that we cannot do, because by starting all over again, we have to comply with China's new rules and we haven't been married 5 years yet, only 4.
2. With Bethany's new rule in place that you have to be in the review room before you can even see the SN child list, we are 6 months away from even trying to persue an SN baby. If that is even the path that we want to take.

So, I guess it's just sit and wait for six months and then decide if I can handle going through this again...

34 comments:

Tracey & Mike said...

I'm so sorry this didn't work out for you. This journey can be hard, but take heart in the fact that the right child will find her way to you.

Isabella's Mommy & Daddy said...

So sorry ....
She is adorable..
But your little girl is waiting for you... She will come when the time is right..
I asked our agency and our agency does not even do SN so we do not even get a choice.
Kind of hurt.but I guess that is not what we are suppose to do..
I am thinking of you..
HUGS my friend..
Kim

Rachael said...

I'm sure this is very dissappointing. She is a beautiful girl. I pray that she will have a good life with her new family and that someday when you hold your FOR REAL daughter in your arms you will know why you waited so long for her.

mommy24treasures said...

hugs...

I know of no way it cannot tug your heart each time. All I can say is it makes the moment of finally holding your baby, the one God planned all along, even more fullfilling, more miraculous... One day your empty space will be overflowing with happiness and fullfillment...
Love
Connie

Verna said...

Hugs to you. I'm disappointed with you. I know it doesn't help to be told "I've been there". Try your very best to use this wait time for some good. I went through the whole check out other agencies and waiting lists and the gammet. The fact that it hurts just tells me you are a great mommy. Another hug.

Lisa said...

I am so sorry that you got yur heart broken. This journey you are on is a very long hard road. When you see your baby's face you will know it. You just have to have faith that it is all in God's perfect timing!

LaLa said...

{{HUGS}} my friend. I am so sorry you are having to work through this. She is a beautiful girl and I know you will continue to hold her in your hearts and prayers.

The waiting is so difficult when all you want to do is hold your daughter.

Hang in there...

cougchick said...

I'm so sorry Kimberley. What a difficult thing to take. You are in my prayers...

Christy said...

That is just heart breaking. I am so sorry you are feeling such pain. You can tell your heart to do all kinds of things but unfortunatly most of the time your heart does not comply. God has a plan and it will happen-- unfortunatly not with that little angel. When we were skipped this past March I felt like my baby had been ripped from my arms and I was left with a hole in my heart. God knew what He was doing becuase our Mia had not even had her medical when we were skipped but she was ready and waiting in April when we got our referral. THings happen for a reason and while I totally know that gives you little comfort right now but when you see your little baby for the first time-- you will understand. Keep your chin up and I will be thinking about you.

Christy :)

Much Ado said...

Oh Kimberley, my heart just breaks for you - I have been wanting to say to you about how much I feel for you, since you wrote on my blog about your agencies 6 month wait rule about SN but I wasn't sure if you had gone public about it. Please know my heart aches for you, there is NOTHING easy about waiting and wondering from month to month which child is for you.

Something that really struck me recently when I was reading in Matthew 9 about Jesus and miracles, is this - God is NEVER late. I often think oh, our referral is so late (and humanly speaking it is - 8 months and still waiting since we should have had our referral) but the truth is God is never late, His timing is perfect and your child will be united with you at just the right time, as will ours. In the meantime I pray that God will give you strength, comfort and peace in your heart as you wait and wonder.

Amy said...

I'm so sorry! It does not seem right to me that your agency does not place you in the front of the line to look at the SN list. You are with them and have waited the longest! I am not with them, and I could just look at their list and apply for a baby right now! This is not right! I'm glad Anna got a family, I'm sorry it was not your family. I'm sure there is a child just perfect for you, but I'm so sorry you need to wait so long!

Steffie B. said...

Hang in there girl....Remember what we talked about the other night????? It will be ok....everything is going to change inthe next few months! ;)

Smmoch!

Stacy said...

Kim,

I'm sorry this didn't work out for you. I wish I had words to help, but I know that they would be just words. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. The waiting, the feeling of having no control are all feeling that I have such a hard time with. I wonder if I'm not supposed to learn these two traits before becoming a mom, because waiting and control issues are definitely two of my weaknesses.

I am glad that little girl found a home. She is beautiful. Thinking of you!

Stacy

Noemi said...

My heart breaks for you and your family! I am so sorry you have had to go through this. This is a really tough journey to go through. She is waiting for you and she will be in your arms. We still have to wait to start our dossier because of your same situation with the new rules to be able to wait until we are married for 5 years. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

{{{HUGS}}}

Jill W said...

My heart goes out to you. It is so hard when our plans don't match God's plan, but he knows best. Your daughter is out there and He will bring her at the right time. In the mean time, you will be in our prayers.

heidi said...

When I was first waiting we were assigned a little girl, who then we lost. I was devistated. Then we were assigned a little boy.
My little boy is now 7 going on 8 and I now know why it happened the way it did. I wouldn't change the hard long roller coaster ride. In the end it will all become clear.
Sorry for the pain you are feeling, the loss is great. Please know that when the "right one" comes along, it will happen. Good luck on your rollercoaster,
Heidi

Doris & Dan said...

I am so sad to hear that you are in pain. Hugs! The positive side is that this little one was so wanted that people were doing all they could to bring her home.

Does not make it any easier but time will help and your little one is still out there and just waiting to come home.

Keep smilin!

sea star said...

Aww, she's a cutie. I'm thankful that someone claimed her. I have no good advice either on how to handle it, we haven't gone the list route because I don't know that my heart and mind would align together and I'm scared to make the decision. I just want China to say, "This one is yours." However, all of my friends that did the SN list said that they just knew when they saw their childs face. I think it's true, you'll just know. Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

As you know, I know how this feels I went through this for 5 months...and in the end it didn't work out. My heart I am not sure if it will ever heal....
I think all these children we "meet" along the way touch our hearts in a very special way, no doubt while she won't be your daughter she will have an effect on your life...big hugs

Somewhere In The Sun said...

The disappointment will pass but it is painful going through it. We lost the first referral we had in Romania after a month. It was devastating. But now I cannot imagine my life without Jackson. Adoption is hard. These are like labor pains. In the end you will find your precious daughter and you will know that she was worth the wait.

Lisa said...

So bummed for you that it didn't work out. This journey is a bumpy one. You can read my email to you last night it's long. About that very subject. Your girl is out there. It will work out eventually. There is a plan we just don't always see it.
((Hugs))

kerri said...

((((hugs)))
I'm so sorry, I regret to say that I have no way to stop the tugging of the heart strings.
Your daughter is waiting, you will find each other and your hurts will be healed and be distant memories.
Promise......

Anonymous said...

so very sorry this little one will not be with you...but the daughter of your heart is waiting for the time to be right.... all good things come to those who wait and with this wait the good will be great!! that one special child who will fit w/you and your family and will make you forget the time it took. many prayers and hugs coming your way.... linda

chloesmama said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting...trust that your baby will find you, and that hopefully it will be soon! Days like this, life just doesn't seem fair.

Thinking of you!
Kelley

jennifer said...

I know it's hard. I don't think there's any way to go through this journey without experiencing some pain. If you're open to adoption, then you are already the kind of person who will have your heart broken while waiting for your child because you feel so much compassion for them. It's hard to look at a referral picture without falling in love. We have to have faith in God's timing, easier said than done.

Mr.Brian said...

I know there may be no words I can speak that will heal the hurt and sadness you are feeling now.I do not understand all of these rules and terms used for this.I MAY NEVER understand it either.One thing I do understand though is that when someone special I know hurts I hurt with them too.PLease know that I will be praying a special prayer for all you mom and dad's tonight. A prayer for wisdom,patience and understanding for why there is such a long wait.
God will know who I am praying for even if not every name is mentioned.
I encourage anyone who reads this comment to do the same tonight.
Let's also set Sunday as a special day of prayer for all you waiting parents.You post it I will pray.DEAL?????That is a special prayer day this Sunday for all the waiting parents.
Hang in there my dear,God does have a plan.(Insert hug and a big smile).
Mr.Brian

Carolyn said...

Oh, RMJ- I'm so, so sorry. I believe you do get the child you were meant to, even though that sounds trite and is cold comfort right now.
Hang in, hon.

~Amy~ said...

HI! I know Stef B. and been reading her blog for awhile! I have been reading yours too and LOVE all your posts! Check out my site sometime...all of you guys inspired me to start one! :)

Laura Nipper said...

Awh she is adorable. How could you not fall in love. Hang in there because I am sure God has the perfect baby girl for your family.

kris said...

Well, I can say after a full year into the adoption process and 2 months from seeing Gracen's face for the first time, I can relate to your pain though I never had an image of her except in my mind. And there is nothing that makes it easier, only time lessens it a bit.

I actually could barely type this hearing that song. It was the one I'd chosen for the adoption DVD of Gracen (it would have been the first song, as we got her referral and I planned to have it up until the Gotcha moment, when it would change again).

Anyway. Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into me- but I know the feeling of losing a child, and it's so hard... I hope you when you at last find your girl, it will make sense why this little girl was placed with another family.

Shana said...

Oh, nooo... I am so very sorry. Everyone has already said the right things- but I wanted to tell you that I do understand and that I'm sending you big hugs...

(((hugs)))
Shana

Heather said...

So sorry - she is precious.

Your heart is so ready, yet God's timing is so perfect. It provides little solace right now, but once your dream is reality, it may come back in hindsight~ the plan. Or not...either way, we can trust Him to know what will work, when our humanness gets in our way.

Thinking of you and praying for your family as you walk this long road.

Hugs to you!
Heather

Kimber said...

Oh Kimberley,

I am so sorry. I know your heart must be aching. You can fall in love with a picture. I know. I am praying for your heart to heal and your daughter to fnd her way to you very quickly:)

Kim

Jewels of My Heart said...

She is beautiful and this post touched my heart... You and your baby are in my prayers... One day Jesus will open the doors and you will hold your child in your arms and you will know... He moved mountains to give you your baby.
God's Speed and God's Peace