Thursday, January 04, 2007

Motherhood...How did I get here?

I've been thinking about my life a lot this year. I am feeling very blessed as a woman. My soul is at peace and I am really content with all things in my life.

I'm big on the soul, so if you read my blog you'll have to get used to 'soul' references, kharma and other funky things that find a perfect place in my life. My home is a collection of antiques, modern pieces and art, I love my tiffany lamp and my Matisse charcoal drawing, and yet there is a dogfish hanging from the rafter in my kitchen, and many other bizarre treasures that I could never part with. Mix in a dog, a cat, a 2 year old with all of his Little Tikes toys, a 14 year old girl and boy, an 11 year old son and a handsome husband and you can get a mental picture of the homestead.
Oh, and I also believe that it is bad not to find a special place in your home for gifts from people who love you, so I have quite a meaningful collection of eclectic chachki.

Sometimes I see something and I just know that it belongs with us in this house. Sometimes I meet people and I just know that they should be a part of my life.

The inspiration for this blog is my desire to bring another child into my life. So, I've been reflecting on all of the motherhood roles that I hold and my successes and blunders.

I was very young when I married for the first time. Zachary was born 2 years later while I was still very young. The pregnancy went well. But, my mother had passed away while I was in high school and I was a thousand miles away from my family, so I felt lost. I really needed my Mom and she was gone. I thought about her a lot throughout the months. I was so sad that she wouldn't see him and he would never know her except through pictures and stories.
More than anything I just wanted to see his little face. And when the day finally came (2.5 weeks overdue and induced may I add). He was born, and when I looked into his face I saw my mothers eyes. My first son has her eyes. It was overwhelming and assured me that she is with me and she sees my babies. My first child brought out a love in me that I had never experienced before. He changed my life forever and I am so honored to be his Mother. He is the sweetest gift to me.

Strange fact about me: Whenever I have had a child, I take them alone to my Mothers grave when I go home to Kansas City to introduce them to her.

Tyler, my 11 year old is my 'soul' child. And what I mean by that is that his personality is exactly like mine. Personalities are definitely passed from one generation to the next. I completely understand how he works. I know how he is feeling and can anticipate his reaction to almost any situation. He even resembles me the most out of my children. We are both emotional people, we see the world through our hearts first. He is a rough and tumble boy though and gets into the most trouble. But I cannot resist his smile. He is my boy.

Katelyn is my child of choice. She is my step-daughter who came into my life when she was 10 years old. The role of stepmother has been the toughest I have ever taken on. There have been so many outside influences and factors that have made it difficult for her and I to establish our own relationship. But, just recently we have chosen together that we want to have a close relationship and be family to each other. So, she is my child of choice. I choose her to be a part of me and my life.

Elijah is the wish come true that I didn't know I should have been wishing for. When I re-married 3.5 years ago, my new husband had declared his desire for us to have a child. I told him that I was content with our new family of three but that I would not take any preventative measures and he had two years to take his best shot, after that I would be too old. Well, I was almost there, 1.5 years when I started feeling very tired. Sure enough, I was pregnant and a little in shock. But my little man is such a joy to us all. He is the center of everything. Once again, my heart has grown immeasurably with love for my baby son.

Sophia Jane is the child who whispers to my soul. A little over a year ago, I started feeling a need for another child. If you are a woman who has ever wanted a child, you understand this feeling-it is instinctional and cannot be described. When you feel the need, you just do and it can't be controlled. If you want to be pregnant, you notice every pregnant woman withing a 10 mile radius. Well, I notice every Asian little girl within a 10 mile radius. I know that I have a daughter who belongs to our family who will come from China. She is ours and we are hers. That's it. I feel her every day.

That's my story so far.....

1 comment:

Doris & Dan Clark said...

You have a lovely family and your 7th diamond will be a welcome addition.

Keep smilin!