Sophia on Sunday!

Does it feel the same? Bio and Adoption

Does it feel the same? Bio and Adoption       My latest post at No Hands But Ours


I remember when I was pregnant with my oldest son Zachary. I had no idea what was in store for me. I had no idea of the scope of the emotions that motherhood would evoke. I was on the verge of the greatest love of my life.

I remember looking at him after he was born. I loved to just look at him. I would check on him all of the time while he was sleeping to make sure that he was still breathing and that everything was ok. His smell was the sweetest. I would hold him and look into his eyes and he would run his little fingers through my hair. I loved him in a way that I had never loved anyone. My heart was consumed with him.

When I discovered that I was pregnant again with Tyler, I worried. It was a secret worry. I wondered how I could ever love Tyler as much as I loved Zachary. I could not imagine loving two people that deeply and completely.

My worries were completely unfounded. When Tyler was born, it was like my heart grew and Tyler had his special place filled with all of the love and joy that Zachary’s place in my heart held. I was doubly blessed with my two beautiful sons.

Elijah was a surprise for me. I had not truly intended to have more children. He came to me later in life. I was an older and more mature mother. It was a very stressful time in my life though. Tim and I had not been married for very long and had a lot of new family issues to deal with. My job was shaky. I was put on bed rest for six months due to uncontrollable bleeding. It was a tough time. But when he was born, he brought us such joy.

Shortly after he was born, I started to think about the gap between him and his brothers. There are 10 years between him and Tyler. I didn’t want him to grow up alone. I was already re-living the baby years and truly enjoying them. I knew that another pregnancy was not advisable since I had had such a tough time carrying Elijah. Tyler had been a very difficult pregnancy too. I started to think about adoption.
Tim and I started working on our adoption of Sophia on our second anniversary. I was very excited about it. But the secret fear came back. Can I love her the same? Will the fact that she is adopted make a difference? My mind said, “absolutely not, it will make no difference”. But I still had the secret fear.

Our journey to Sophia was a very long and emotional one. Sometimes it seemed as if she would never come home. But after three and a half years, it was our time. We were going to China to meet our daughter.

The feelings I had when I first saw Sophia were not the same as was when I first saw my sons. I was completely overwhelmed with sadness and anger. I was unprepared in my heart to meet a child who had no one. I could not believe that there was no Aunt, Uncle or Grandparent who would come forward for this child. To be looking into the eyes of a beautiful child who has no one in this world will literally stop your heart. How could this happen to this baby? How could there be no one? Looking abandonment in the face was devastating to me.

And then my heart kicked in. I was no longer looking at abandonment. I was looking at my child. Right at that moment she became my child. No longer an orphan. No longer with no one. We had come forward and with us Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles and loved ones in America came forward too. We were now her family.

My heart grew Sophia’s place where all of my love and joy for her lives. It is every bit as real and alive as the love I have for her brothers. The secret fear was unfounded again. For me a child is a child no matter how God brings them to you and I am so happy that I can say that. I am so happy that I love her the way that I do.

My relationship with her is uniquely its own. There has been a lot of bonding and growing and changing over these past seven months. My relationship with each of my children is unique. They each have their own personalities that interact in different ways with my own personality. They are each uniquely loved by me, their mother. I feel so blessed to have the motherhood experiences that I have had. I am so humbled by the gift of my children. They are pure magic to me and I thank God for them.

Happy Chinese New Year!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Visit to the Cardiologist

This is Jason. He is a nurse who works with our pediatric cardiologist. He was very instrumental in helping us bring Sophia home. He is the man who answered my call for help and had me e-mail Sophia's referral information to him. He reviewed everything and had the cardiologist review it too and got back to us very quickly. I cannot say enough about this man.

As many of you know, I was hoping for a better outcome from this appointment but I am still happy that everything is ok for our girl. Sophia's heart surgery for asd/vsd should have been done when she was about a year old and wasn't done until she was almost four. The result is that her heart is slightly enlarged from all of the additional work it had to do to keep her alive. Our cardiologist said her condition is mild and he thinks she will grow out of it, but she needs to remain on her blood pressure medication for another year. She does not have an issue with blood pressure, the meds help her heart to relax and get used to working properly now that it has been repaired.

Trip to the Dentist...

Eli and Sophia had their first trip to the dentist last week. They did a fantastic job! No fussing, they were perfect little patients. Eli has no cavities and Sophia has the beginning of two but we are going to keep an eye on them to see if they clear up. I was very proud of the twins!

More than I Love You

More than I Love You

Sophia has been our child for seven months now. She has adjusted wonderfully to our family. She enjoys playing with other children and attending preschool. She knows the family routines and is comfortable in our home. She sleeps soundly on her own in her big girl bed. She freely shows love to each of her family members. From all appearances, it truly is difficult to tell that she has not been with us since birth. From all appearances, she and Eli are equally adjusted in our family unit. Sometimes when I see them together, I don’t remember that it has only been seven months. Sometimes it is easy to believe that it has always been this way.

But there is something in the way that she says, “I Love You”. Sophia tells me that she loves me at least 30 times a day. That is not an exaggeration. And there is something in her words that I cannot directly explain, but I hear it. Her words say, “I love you Mama”, but I also hear the fearful words behind it, “the please keep me, I don’t want to go back”.
I believe that the constant, “I Love You Mama”, is her need to let me know that she wants to stay here with us. That she is still afraid of being taken away. She needs me to know that she wants to be here and more importantly, she needs me to affirm that I want her to be here with us too and that I am her Mama.

I know that this is normal. I know that this is something we will have to go through most likely for years until she knows on a subconscious level that she will be with us forever, but it breaks my heart. Every day I tell her over and over that I love her. I tell her over and over that she is my only girl. I tell her over and over that she is the most wonderful little girl in the world. I tell her over and over how much Mama and Baba love her and that we will be her Mama and Baba when she is 5,6,7,8 and all grown up and a Mama herself and even when she is a Grandma. I hope that she can hear the hidden words behind mine, “I love you so much that I cannot imagine a day without you, I could never imagine a daughter more wonderful and I would give my life to keep you safe”.

Eli tells me he loves me about 4 times a day. There is no need in his voice. The words come easy to him. I long for the day when it is the same for Sophia. I long for the day when she doesn’t need that constant affirmation because she knows in her soul that she is mine and I am hers.

Happy New Year!

The Preschool Christmas Pageant...

We had so much fun watching all of the little preschoolers tell the story of the birth of Baby Jesus at Eli and Sophia's preschool. Sophia was a little angel and Eli was a shepherd. They did a wonderful job!

Merry Christmas....To The Families Still Waiting

This Christmas is so very special to me. This is the first Christmas in over three years where our family is complete. No one is missing. Our daughter is home. After over three long heartbreaking years....my baby is home for Christmas.

When we put up our Christmas tree, each child has ornaments that belong exclusively to them. I add to each of their collections every year. Three years ago I held Sophia's first ornament in my hand and through my tears, placed it on the tree. I did not believe at the time that she had been born yet, but she was alive...a baby in China.

I placed my order for 2007. The ornament held great significance to me. Believe. I had to keep believing that my daughter was out there somewhere. That year I knew she was alive, I knew she was waiting in China. We were hitting road block after road block. The wait time was getting longer, we weren't allowed into the SN program until our LID was through review. I was in tears when I opened the box and saw the word 'Believe'. I put it on the tree, my second Christmas without my daughter. I prayed that she was warm, that she had a blanket and adequate food. I prayed that God would send someone to smile at her and pick her up.

Christmas 2008, we had hope. We were actively reviewing SN files. Our daughter was near, we just didn't know it. I placed another ornament on the tree. Eli and I prayed that God would send angels to keep his sister safe and to tell her that we loved her. I knew without a doubt that my daughter was alive and that I just needed to find her. I was begging God to bring our daughter to us.

Christmas 2009, I sat on the couch in front of our tree with tears pouring down my face as I took out three ornaments and handed them to my daughter. Choking back sobs, I watched her place them on the tree for the first time. My husband and sons just stood in silence and watched. There were no words, just an understanding of the impact of that moment. I thanked God that my baby was home.

TO YOU WHO WAIT....They say that you forget once they place your child in your arms. My daughter has been home since July and I have not forgotten. I have not forgotten the pain and the worry and the hole in my soul that only my daughter could fill. The anguish of the wait is still etched in my heart and mind.

My heart is with you this year. I know that many of you will be placing your "Waiting for" ornaments on your trees. God Bless you and your families and your children who you have yet to find. This year I will pray for you.

I Need Addresses From Everyone Participating in the Christmas Ornament and Card Exchanges!

Hello Everyone! I need addresses from everyone who is participating in the Christmas Ornament and Card Exchanges.

Please e-mail them to me at timnkim@gmail.com

ALSO, please confirm if you want to participate in the card exchange, ornament exchange or both.

Thank You!

The Seventh Diamond Christmas Card & Ornament Exchange

I have had quite a few people asking if I am going to host the Christmas Card and Christmas Ornament Exchange again this year and yes I am!

You can participate in one or both. Please leave a comment, or e-mail me as to which one you would like to participate in. I will have your Christmas Card Lists and Christmas Ornament Exchange partners e-mailed to you by December 5th.

Fun in the Sun...One Last Time

Today was absolutely gorgeous outside. We had a wonderful afternoon. I put away all of our outdoor Halloween decorations. Eli, Tyler and Tim played baseball. Sophia scootered. It was just perfect. I am so glad we got out because our forcast for next weekend includes the possibility for snow.

Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. My father's sister has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer that began in the breast and has traveled to her side and lungs. She was admitted to the hospital for congestive heart failure last week and her cancer was unknown to us all at that time. My Aunt has lived the majority of her life with my Grandmother. My Grandfather just passed away last month. I am just so devastated for my Grandmother. She will face two huge losses in a short amount of time.

This year has brought tremendous loss and at the same time the gift of my daughter.

Halloween Weekend!

It is absolutely pouring rain outside and we aren't going to have very good weather for Trick or Treating, but we are going to make the best of it! We are off to a party at the Kenward's tonight. Sophia is dancing with her friends from dancing in the pavilion at the park in our town on Halloween day and then we will be walking around our small neighborhood Trick or Treating. Tyler has a costume party this weekend too and is wearing his werewolf mask. I LOVE Halloween....so bring on the fun!

Crazy Week!

Our main bathroom is out of service. Hopefully it will be tiled soon :)
I have to get the kids' costumes on to make sure everything fits.
Two Halloween parties on the same night this weekend. One for us and the twins, one for Tyler.
Trying to decide on whether or not to get the H1N1 mist for the kids on Thursday.
Working on some joint projects with Robin at Red Thread Stitches.

Lunch today with Steffie...some girlfriend conversation...priceless.

4 month update...

Sophia is fluent in English. She fully understands who her family is and loves us. She is comfortable in her home. She sleeps through the night in her own bed, no tears no fears. She enjoys preschool. She LOVES ballerina class. She is making friends. She eats normally. She runs, skips, giggles and tries to tell jokes. She has her little sister job mastered; loving her brothers one minute and tattling on them the next. She has her Daddy wrapped around her little finger. She is her Mama's princess. She is an absolute joy and we are so blessed.

Happy Birthday to my sweet son Tyler!

New Family Photos

Steffie Beckering is a wonderful friend of mine. She took these photos of our family. I am so happy with them. I think they are just beautiful. She took 150 shots of our family and had 50 that are wonderful. If you live in Michigan and need a photographer, you should schedule some time with her. Her blog is 'Never Too Many'.

Tyler always struggles with photos, he has a hard time finding his true smile. Steffie took the most wonderful photo of him smiling. He left relaxed and happy instead of stressed and really likes his picture.

Sophia's First Night In Her Room...In Her Big Girl Bed...Eli Too!

Please cross your fingers and say a little prayer. Tonight is the first night that Sophia will try to sleep in her room in her big girl bed. She has been in a toddler bed in our room since July 3rd. We tried VERY UNSUCCESSFULLY to have her sleep in her own room and bed when we got home, but she just wasn't ready.
Now, we have also had issues with Eli since we came home. He wakes up all throughout the night and gets out of bed and tries to climb into bed with whoever will take him. This has been going on for three months.
So tonight I am putting them both on the bottom bunk together...one at each end. I am hoping that they will be comforted by each other and sleep in their room all night long.

We made very special preparations for tonight. Eli got a new Transformers poster that I put on his end of the bed and Sophia got a new Tinkerbell poster for her end. We also put glow in the dark stars on the wood that supports the top matress, so that when they look up they will see them.

Oh my word...I am so nervous. I HOPE THIS WORKS!!!